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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

106th email

From: Oftenbark Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday July 6th, 1999 7:20 AM
Subject: RE Stacey here…

Dear Stacey, Oftenbark the Dog here. Sorry it’s been a few days. I don’t check my email that often. Actually this whole email thing is new to me.

Not that I’m blind to email correspondence. I’ve always been a little curious about Dom’s messages; but truth be told, I feel safer to engage with strangers from a distance.

Part of this is due to shyness.

The other part is about self preservation.

See once the men in white coats get a sniff of a literate and tech savvy canine; it’d be only a matter of hours before it’s electrodes on desexed testicles, and a dreadlocked red, blue and green wired science hat that reduces my complex and poetic thought patterns into simple and qualitative wavy lines. Ingrates.

See, I am not a freak, Stacey. And will not put myself out there to public scrutiny.

I will not do interviews.
I will not be experimented on.
I will not be reduced.
I will not be a chapter in a book no one ever reads.

So with this in mind, please keep our correspondence a secret. Besides who will believe you if you confess to having a written relationship with a dog, anyway!?

Now to answer your question about Elsa – ‘do I like her?’

This is a hard question to answer as Dom likes her. I think he likes her a lot. I surmise this because I hear them kissing and talking all the time; not much laughter though – I think that’s odd as Dom is quite funny.

Anyway and besides that, for this reason, I like her too.
She’s sweet.
There’s always a ‘but’ right. Well—-
But there’s a part of that doesn’t like her at all.

There I’ve said it.
Wrote it.
Said it. You know what I mean.

See, part of me thinks that Dom deserves so much better than Elsa.
And it’s not dog envy. It’s true. I mean Elsa goes out all the time. She stays out late, gets drunk, doesn’t let Dom know where she is.

I mean, I know she’s always done this. She is a self proclaimed party-girl. But I sometimes see Dom fret, worry about her, groom me.
See Dom likes to brush me when he worries. It’s his tell and this would suit me fine normally. But when it’s 3:00 in the morning all I can offer is:

“Come on! I’m sleepy!”
Brush, brush, brush—
“Dom, this is pointless!”
Brush, brush, brush—
“Who’s going to see me at this hour?”

And when Elsa does finally arrive home; it’s usually via a lift from some strange guy with a smoky car and a shit mix tape.

Those nights, she also crashes quickly, so any attempt to discuss it is quashed with a speed-of-light nod on the couch, on my rug mind you too.

So sensibly and without any other choice, Dom brings it up the next day.

But again Elsa shuts him down – accusing him of being controlling - which he is – I mean dog collar, sit, beg, paw, stand, etc - but this isn’t controlling. Elsa is wrong, here.

She is deflecting. Cleverly, for it makes Dom feel like it’s his behaviour that needs addressing. Not her stay-out-all-night get-blind-drunk flirt-with-everyone smell-like Aramis-and-tap-beer and attempt to get the world-record-for Friday-night-front-seat-stranger-shagging

And to be honest, I’m a little surprised she’s even getting any attention. See one of the things that really irks me aboiut Elsa is (and I hate to say this) but Elsa is a little plain.

Not in the looks department; as all people seem plain to me. No Elsa seems plain in her (what us dogs call) energy.

I know that sounds intangible to you. But from a dog point of view, energy is one of our most instinctive and prioritised senses.

We just get the essence of people quickly.

Okay maybe I’m being a little cruel. Elsa can be fun. She does play catch and she does scratch my neck.

But sometimes, usually when the day is coming to an end, and she is heading out, I sit in my basket and stare at her; trying to work her out.

I smell her. She smells like paper. I listen to her and she sounds like a slightly out-of-tune hum. And on the odd occasion I lick her, she tastes like unsalted butter.

You on the other hand have a special energy. And not that it’s possible, but in a perfect world, one where dogs can be Kings, I would nudge you in Dom’s direction.

Not that you were asking of course. But in case you’re having a bad day, I thought I’d mention it.

And please don’t tell Dom. I’m certain he’d give me away to the ‘farm in the country’ if he knew.



  1. I can't tell if Dom is a coward or suffering from schizophrenia.

  2. Dom has definitely put his feelings out there now. Although it's via Oftenbark, there is no doubt now about Elsa's promiscuity nor his actual feelings toward her or Stacey... We all know the feelings they have for each other, it's there in black and white. How long before they act. Will she freak out at this? another cliffhanger.

  3. i dont think Stace willfreak out.

    this email is quite candid and revealing in that its Dom in the 3rd person, so he can afford to reveal more about his feelings. i still think he's gutless, but ive said that all along.

    i must say that i was wrong. Elsa is NOT an exotic dancer. She's a harlot. Well thats the way Dom has painted her anyways. And females like harlots because boyfriends tend to cheat on them on them with harlots.

    this is a ploy by Dom to get Stacey to take a disliking to Elsa, as well as telling her than Dom is a prisoner in this relationship and doesnt have the balls to end it.

    i know curiosity killed the cat, but has anyone tried emailing oftenbark? id be interested to see if the email still works

  4. Well now that we know a bit more about Elsa, I can say I don't like her. However, we haven't heard her side. Maybe she simply parties and gets drunks, minus the cheating with other guys. But I doubt it.
    Eh, I still don't like Stacey much. When's the third woman for Dom coming?

  5. @Nabs, google "" and see.

  6. Tekkactus, how lovely to hear from you. I don't think Dom is a coward or schizophrenic. I think he is playing; enjoying the conceits. I think he's offering a pretence of truth and fun. I think for a moment he's enjoying acting.

  7. Chris, another cliffhanger indeed. I love how you noted it's in black and white. But I do wonder is there still any grey?

  8. Nabs, I knew that Elsa was not an exotic dancer - but enjoyed your narrative a lot. Please keep them coming.

  9. Juan, a third woman!? Wow - I wonder who she'll be or if there is one. I still have faith in Stacey though.

    And I tried the hotmail too. Seems there is some kind of connect but don't quite understand.

  10. Ha, the schizophrenia bit was a joke. I'm sure he's well aware of what he's doing.

    The coward part, though, I think I'll stick with. It's already pretty ungentlemanly to essentially tell a female friend that you'd rather be with her than the girl you're currently living with, but to have the clout (or lack thereof) to admit it vicariously through a joke leaves an incredibly bitter taste in my mouth. If Dom had the requisite backbone, he'd confront Elsa, not roleplay as his dog on the internet.

  11. I don't see it as a cowardly option, merely a neat device that allows Dom to air his feelings about Elsa and Stacey in one go.

    Doing it under the guise of Oftenbark fits in with the narrative of the correspondence at this point in time. Presumably the tension our lovers are experiencing has been increasing as the 'big moment' slowly looms into view. Revealing all in this playful way makes it a) easier (for both) and b) a lot less stuffy and potentially devastating than coming clean in a straight way - which, of course, should be done face to face.

  12. 'who's going to see me at this hour'. One of the best emails yet! Though they're all brilliant.

  13. TRUE LOVE WILL PREVAIL. And it took Oftenbark the dog to bring it up :)

  14. I did a Google search on ''... the results were pretty much a lot of posts on forums, largely about computers (a coincidence?). The poster's username is 'WoofWoof' and he seems to start threads asking about Windows stuff.

    However, if this is correct, wouldn't it be I thought Dom and Stacey were Brits?

  15. @Randall A.

    They're Australian, and in fair Brisbane is where we lay our scene

  16. It just dawned on me that perhaps this was his ploy all along... He did mention Elsa reading and getting mad at an earlier email. Perhaps he created this one to keep prying eyes away.

  17. @Jamie: Well, regardless, should it not be, then?

    @Stephen: I love your blog, though that likely goes without saying. I reviewed it on one of my blogs, Blogographer. Perhaps you could check it out, see what you think? :] Click here

  18. Randall, No.

    im aussie and my hotmail account ends with

    i think the google search confirms the geek in Dom.

    what is interesting is that the forum posts were mainly in 2005 which tells me that he kept the account alive for 6 years after these emails.

    i think thats really interesting...the question is,,,why??.

    Is there a way of finding out if an account is still active without sending an email?

  19. Wow, I’ve missed out on a lot. I don’t know why it has taken me this long to come and write a comment. Missed everyone. :3

    Have to say I quite like this turn of events. I want an e-mail from a dog. Hahaha!

    A few revealing things I found were: “I surmise this because I hear them kissing and talking all the time; not much laughter though – I think that’s odd as Dom is quite funny.”


    “Come on! I’m sleepy!”
    Brush, brush, brush—
    “Dom, this is pointless!”
    Brush, brush, brush—
    “Who’s going to see me at this hour?”


    “You on the other hand have a special energy. And not that it’s possible, but in a perfect world, one where dogs can be Kings, I would nudge you in Dom’s direction.”

    This email reminds me of a Victorian novel I read about a year ago. The title seems to have slipped my mind for the time being. But the author had used the character’s surroundings to project the character’s anxieties or wrongful emotions (that are not socially acceptable during the era). It seems to be the case here too. Dom seems to be using Oftenbark to project his worries and doubts about his relationship with Elsa.

    As always I love Dom’s personality. He’s so silly and funny and honest. I wish I had a friend like him. I wouldn’t mind a few emails from him.

  20. Tekkactus, that's an interesting point - but I admit I still read it in the spirit of fun. That being said this role play habitual action they both play by might indeed be the exact quality that's stopping them getting together.

    Also Interesting site you have too. for those interested in pop culture click on this commenters tag and you go straight there.

  21. Jamie, I couldn't have said ti etter myself. This is indeed was the intent of the point I roughtly and crudly made above.

    I think I might need you in the future please :)

  22. Heidi, such compliment from you, mistress wit. Avtually it's always chuffin' to know I get a HR thumbs up. It truly means a lot.

    and for those interested CHECK OUT HEIDI'S BLOG on the LINKS section. It's well worth it.

  23. A Man de Clark, it did take a dog to bring it up. I think there's something truly profound about your observsation.

  24. Randall, thank you so muchg for the review. It's wonderful and heart warming to think such as this humble site would prompt an analysis. I really appreciate your words (doubly so as they're kind and provactive - but please allow me to not offer any opinion regarding the controversy of which you speak)

    I even read the post to my partner who gives you the thumbs up. I hope others read and support our dear Randall and his Brighter Earth site.
    (linked below too)

    Also I checked out
    (as Jamie and Nabs said it is Brisbane set and Oz hotmail doesn't require the au suffix)
    Very strange.

  25. Chris, wow - maybe you're right. Pryoing eyes!! Is Elsa readkng Dom's email? Is she reading this even? Hello Elsa...?

    (btw, I think you sound like a lovely fellow and I'm sure me and others here are sending you warm wishes and good fortune - hang in there, buddy)

  26. Nabsm do keep digging. Find out more. Maybe we can find Dom!

    (actually do I want us too -- hmmmm)

  27. Stephanie, you were missed but I understand that this illiest of seasons can have its own demands. I do hope you and others had a fine one.

    ANd perhaps if Nabs does find our Dom through Hotmail - maybe we could convince him to email you. You never know.

  28. Thanks Stephen, I'm assuming your referencing my facebook status... rough year, but i do believe you've read my blogs too so you know a bit about that.

  29. Chris, yes - I felt for you and I'm sure next year will sing (and act and dance)

  30. @Nabs: I think you can check if someone is opening e-mails if you have Office Outlook. Apparently you can see that the email had been opened. So that is possibly one way to do it.

  31. -stephen, you could always disclose their real names to me and then i probably would find him. never underestimate my abilities to dig the dirt on people ;)

    i could always invite him here. In saying that, if he did a goigle search on oftenbarks email address, he's be led here.

    happy new year everyone!

    p.s. i think im going to try the email. will let you guys know how i go

  32. I only hope nobody does anything to find these people and they dislike the blog so much that they request it taken down. (After all, if this is true, these are real people's lives we're reading about - and intimate details at that.) I need closure!!

  33. no was just thinking about sending a blank email and see if it bounces back or not. just to see if he still uses the account.

    if i get a reply, then i get a reply.

    wouldnt want to jeopordise this blog, so i guess ill only do it with stephens approval.

  34. Nabs, what an interesting hunt you're on. I have no problem with you exploring esp if it's seeming innocent and blank.

    I am sure it won't jeopardise the blog and closure will be met for those invested.

    Please keep us updated - you never know.


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