Email me

Sunday, November 21, 2010

91st email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday 26th, 1999 13:25PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Matrix and Election

Also I forgot to mention that I ran into Keith yesterday. Do you remember him? He was the guy that Elsa took home just before we hooked up. It was strange to see him.

Without Keith I’d still be single.

Without Keith I’d be sad and lonely listening to the band Bread and cooking bread

“If a loaf of bread takes a thousand kneeds
Then why do I need you…”

Anyway, there I was, coming out of class yesterday and heading toward the refectory.

As I neared, I saw Keith. He was standing just off from the entrance, near the balcony overlooking the pool and oval.

I started to move toward him.

But he caught a glimpse of my approach.

He ducked behind the refectory door and hid among a few empty tomato stained chip packets and browned apple cores.

Indeed if there was shadow I’m certain Keith would have crouched in it.

I, naturally, hesitated at this point.

Why was Keith hiding from me?

Was it because he finally understood that there was more to the Universe than him? I mean, this would’ve blown his brain and he ceraintly would’ve needed to hide, ponder, eat some chips and catch his breath.


Perhaps he was hiding from me because he was wearing just the bottom half of a large furry animal-like costume-charcter-suit.

Yes, the more I think of it, I suspect he was hiding because of this.

I mean who wouldn’t? No one wants to be seen wearing half a suit. Where’s the magic in that? Where’s the illusion? Where’s the anonymity? Where's the pride?

Anyway, there was our Keith. He had the bottom half of this Koala costume on. Truly exposed.

Actually I have to be honest here - I’m assuming it was a Koala. It might’ve been a cat or rabbit. All I could see was paws and grey fur.

And, now I remember, I presumed it was a Koala because there was this environmental plastic bucket with a sticker of a Koala on it.

So my assumption was warrented.

The bucket was filled with small change resting by the limp, dead top half of the costume.

Indeed the sweaty grey fur actually dangled part way into the bucket like a greedy banker searching for any form of bonus.

Whatever reason, the image was too great not to interrogate. So I continued to wander over.

Me: Keith?

Him: No.

Me: You’re Keith.

Him: No, I’m a Koala.

Me: Keith the Koala?

Him: No, just a Koala.

Me: Okay, okay, I understand you have an identity to protect.

Him: Yes.

Me: But you’re only protecting your lower half.

Him: The Important half.

Me: The Important half?

Him: (Sotto) The penis.

Me: I get you.

Him: And so do they--

--said Keith as he pointed toward some female Legal undergraduates as they quickly marched into the refectory.

Me: But deep down you’re Keith, right?

Keith looked around to make sure no one was listening. He whispered:

Him: Sure. Okay. I’m Keith. But don’t tell anyone.

Me: Who am I going to tell?

Him: The Wilderness society.

Me: Why are they dangerous?

Him: They’re the Wilderness Society.

Me: Aren’t they a conservation group?

Him: Yes.

Me: All about the protection of natural habitat.

Him: Yes.

Me: Passive and peaceful.

Him: Yes.

Me: So what’s the problem?

Him: No problem. I’m just Koala #31. Okay?

Me: Not Keith?

Him: No. Not Keith.

Me: Okay.

At this point there was a lull in the conversation. Keith looked around; making sure no one was watching and started to put on his Koala head back on.

It was saggy foam number where the eyes drooped dipsomaniac-like and the rubber black nose had been picked at by some obsessive charity worker.

Keith then took a breath and picked up his plastic donation bucket. He shook it, rattling the coins inside and started moving into the refectory.

Me: You don’t remember me, do you?

Him: I’m working, now.

Me: I kicked you out of my home.

Him: Can’t you see I’m busy.

Me: I was a little rude.

Keith then stopped. He stared through the bloodhound matted eye holes; rage building.

Him: One minute.

He said shaking the bucket. He repeated:

Him: One minute. One dollar. I’m not free, you know.

Me: I have to pay you?

Him: I’m not a cheap whore.

Me: Really.

Him: I have my pride.

He said as the back of his costume slipped a little and I got a brief glimpse of his underwear.

Me: Will you hold me after?

Him: No. Why would I do that?

I shrugged in response and took out a dollar from the pocket. I dropped it into his bucket. I hesitiated:

Me: Oh, how will we know when the minute is up?

Him: Just because I’m a Koala doesn’t mean I don’t have a watch. Jesus Christ! Noble-fucking savage syndrome, I tell you.

He said as he lifted his watch too closely to his gouged out eye holes.

Him: So what do you want to talk about?

Me: Elsa.

Him: Who’s Elsa?

Me: The Girl you took home.

Him: I take a lot of girls home.

Me: From the dance party?

Him: Still a blank.

Me: It was only a couple of weeks ago.

Him: Do you know how many I’ve slept with since then?

Me: Koalas or Humans?

Him: What?

Me: Nothing. Look, Keith—

Him: Koala #31—

Me: Koala #31, I just wanted to say thank you.

Him: You’re welcome.

Me: You don’t know what I’m thanking you for, do you?

Him: Being me?

Me: No.

Him: Saving the planet?

Me: No.

Him: Giving you something to aspire to?

Me: No (beat) What do you mean? Aspire?

Him: To be me.

Me: No. I wanted to thank you for Elsa.

Him: Who’s Elsa?

Me: The girl you slept with. See if you hadn’t been there, I would’ve never found her.

Suddenly he turned. I could sense his benevolence snapping.

Him: What do you mean found her?

Me: We’re together now.

Him: You scumbag.

Me: What?

Him: You binbag.

Me: Excuse me.

Him: How dare you you sleep with my girlfriend.

Me: What are you talking about?

Him: I love Elsa.

Me: You didn’t know who she was a minute ago.

Keith then lifted his watch to his face; remembering our transaction.

Him: Times up.

He then hitched up his Koala costume and sauntered into the refectory; calling passionately for donations.

Most ingorned him and soon he’d made his way through and moved onto the Medical building.

So that was my Monday and my second encounter with Keith.

I really hope I see him again. He’s too much fun.

Oh and forgot to answer - next weekend – we have no plans. Do you want to catch up? Couple’s double date, maybe?



  1. this is just nuts hahahaha i dunno what is going on! The whole scene is so damn comical! Its hilarious hahahah and Keith! Keith sounds likes a little school boy, filthy cos he didnt get what he wanted lol! But what is going on!?!?!?? I got lost when he called Dom a "BINBAG" ahaha a binbag?!

    -This is the point at which i turn my head sideways like a puppy haha WHO CALLS SOMEONE A BINBAG?? right after calling them a scumbag!!? HAHAHA Originality: -1 Epic failure: +10

    oh and Koala #31: COMPROMISED.

    PS. So is this the turnaround for Dom beginning? Is Elsa a dirty whore? Or did Dom just get very lucky?
    [lol - i just then sounded like a narrator at the end of Days of Our Lives or something :P - i digress!]

  2. Okay, just to make sure I'm not crazy...there was two Dom e-mails in a row, right? I'm guessing Stacy wasn't too thrilled about his previous e-mail.

    This e-mail made me laugh out loud. I felt if I was around to witness this but jaw would have dropped and I'd just stare at the awkwardness, the strangeness and the comical rolled up in one during this moment. I felt like I was a cliched deer caught in front of headlights, wonderng "what the hell just happened?"

    This was a good laugh.
    And makes things interesting about what may happen next.

  3. I think this is actually a bad email and Dom doesn't know it. I think that Elsa is still sleeping with Keith and that Keith was pretending not to know who Dom was because A. He was embarrassed about being kicked out or B. Elsa told him that if he saw Dom not to mention them being together because she wanted to avoid a confrontation. I also believe Elsa thinks this safe because of Dom's hatred for Keith. I think Stacey will read into this too. I believe we may be in for another shift of power in the roller coaster ride that is D&S.

  4. I think Dom has used significant artistic licence on this one to make it funnier than the situation actually was in an attempt to make Stacey smile perhaps. Plus, I thought previously Stacey was hoping for a catch-up with Dom, not with Dom AND Elsa so Dom's suggestion of a couples date seems a bit of a backhander to me. Dom has the upper hand and appears to know it.

  5. I agree with Jay a lot.
    But also I think maybe Dom scared himself with how far he pushed the limit in terms of flirting with someone else while in a relationship- and that Stacey's responses proved that she didn't even care about the limit. I think this is a veiled reminder, or perhaps persuasion (to himself?) that he is with Elsa.
    Stephen, how's quitting going?

  6. I agree with Chris' response. This was my initial thought after reading as well.

    Good luck with butting out Stephen!

  7. Hiranga, very funny response. I want more of the Days of our Lives voice over, please.

  8. Stephanie, yes this is the second one from Dom in a row. I think the time frame is tight - so she might be pissed or not have got to it in time.

    Love the deer in the headlights image. I agree totally.

  9. Chris, you blow my mind. This is great. Such a terrific creative artist's read of the story. Do you write as well as act? Is is this thrilling sense of drama absorbed through you performance work?

  10. Hi Jay, great to read your comments here. And they're really exciting. I think you're spot on I think Dom did and does take licence with the truth in these emails to makle them entertaining. He has stated he wants to write so I agree he's using his voice to emphasise the good bits and bad bits.

    Great reading.

  11. Fyfee, yeah Jay's comments are great. And I think it's fascinating that this is a veiled reminder of his curtent romantic situation.

    Also ta for asking about quitting. Going well. 8 days and counting.

  12. Thanks PennyPup for the butt out thumbs up.

  13. The person I feel for in this situation is, oddly, Elsa. I don't necessarily feel there is enough in the story to suggest so far that Elsa is cheating on Dom, but there is sufficient to suggest that Dom himself would consider cheating on Elsa, if Stacey were to show an interest once again. Dom has a fragile ego and his reactions to being spurned certainly rankle and put me in mind of someone who has low self-esteem on an emotional level, but perhaps view themselves to be rather an intellectual fortress, above and beyond what he perceives Elsa to be capable of.

    He compares Elsa to Stacey in a way that is designed to be subtle and yet is glaringly obvious at the same time to those in the know.

    I feel Elsa deserves better than what Dom is currently offerring. His semi-barbed comments about her ex-partner suggests he would be jealous if she tried it on with someone he perceives to be moronic, like Keith, and yet his subtle-and-yet-clearly-unsubtle flirtations with Stacey show he enjoys the power play with Stacey and could consider dropping Elsa like a bad habit if the situation was to his liking.

    Dom is, in my mind, manipulative on a different level to Stacey and perhaps on a more damaging and sinister level. Stacey's manipulations have been obvious and blunt from the start. Dom has played it from a different, and yet clearly very effective angle and currently holds all the cards, despite appearing on the face of it to have been left in the shadow of Marcus. He has succeeded, in my opinion, in making Marcus APPEAR to be walking in Dom's shadow and that my friends is no mean feat.

  14. Jay, wow - great comment. So rich. I hope others get a chance to read it as we're at the end of the psoting cycle. If you want please feel to repost this comment - so more get a chance to read your analysis.


Follow boredolives on Twitter