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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

84th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < >
Sent: Wednesday, June 20th, 1999 22:52 PM
Subject: RE RE Matrix and Election

Hey you must be really busy…three days between emails and such a short one…Are you busy? Working…? In love…?...You know!!??

As for me…I’ve had too much time on my hands...getting less hours at the bar…thinking of quitting anyway…not sure how good it is for my world view…

Not sure what I’d do if I quit, though…

…of course I shouldn’t be pre planning or looking forward…as you well know my anxiety will creep in and dominate…but I have to admit that, lately I’ve been thinking more about what I want to do…time has become kinda odd…

I have such a fucked up relationship with time…I try ever so hard not to look at the clock or count seconds…for I know if I do, I might not stop…

Sometimes I even will time to go faster…

…indeed…here’s a confession…as much as I state I live in the moment…I often exist a few beats ahead of myself…

I’m generally thinking of my next action…

…for example…I’m making a cup of tea …but my head is actually contemplating sitting down after making the tea…I’m ahead of myself…

…this makes me clumsy…I drop things…I trip…..I cut or burn myself…see, I’m actually not in the moment…so I crash against it…

I suspect this has to do with chaos…and if I can control it a little then maybe I have purpose, intent and place…

I do this when crossing the road…do you do this…?

What I do is I watch the cars driving past…I see a gap in the traffic…I cross…

…but as I’m crossing I’m one step ahead again…I see myself on the other side of the road…but I’ve placed a rule on it…I’ve made a deal…the deal is to get across that side of the road and beyond that tree before that fast approaching sedan passes me…

(and here’s the kicker)

… if I don’t get to the tree in time…something awful will happen…I’ll lose my job…my house will be robbed…someone I know might even die…

Isn’t that mad? For a moment I truly believe I have the fate of another in my hands…of course rationally I know this is not the case…but as I stand on the kerb…I think I might be some sort of god…and I mean that with no sense of self importance :)

Anyway…I’ve taken too much of your time…I hope you’re having a damn fine happy sexy time…

S xx

PS I thought Election was a little smug…it felt like it was film scared of women…Matrix on the other hand…


  1. I think I sent a text message like this on the weekend. What have I done! I'm sure Stacey (like myself) thought this email was a great idea at the time, it is witty, honest and personal but it just reeks of desperation. I had to zoom through it it just got worse. I'm thinking there is going to be a break in emails soon.

  2. Hmm... I was reading this and part of me tried to read between the lines. But then it dawned on me why does there have to be some hidden meaning in Stacy’s letter. I think she just misses Dom. He has someone new and suddenly she feels like she’s in second place. Might make her sound possessive... that she needs him when she wants him... Maybe a little greedy too. Part of me can relate. Sometimes I don’t want to share things...or people. Sometimes I just want someone and myself just to be in our own little world for awhile. Wait...did I just compare myself to Stacy...This is weird. But I guess overtime I’m trying to see it from her point of view too.

    And whoa Stacy...what’s with all the ellipses?

    I thought it was interesting how she suddenly went into some deep thought. I think one of the things she likes about Dom is he makes her think. The last part of her email reminded me how one time on the bus I just tried to picture being non-existent (trying to picture what it was like before I existed or rather when I will be dead...expired). It’s scary to think about and it blows my mind even to remotely try. Okay, I don’t know where I am going with this anymore. Anyway, Stacy made me think today.

    Side note! I had my interview this Monday. What’s horrible was I was sick on Sunday and on yay for being sick at an interview (insert sarcasm here). Don’t get your hopes up. I think I did a horrible job. First, I got there early and the interviewer didn’t meet me until 20 minutes after my scheduled time with him. Mind you, I had to catch a bus after the interview to head to school... When I did meet him, he was monotone and didn’t give off any happy vibe. I tend to read people or get their energy in return so my happy vibe diminished as the interview went on. The chair was uncomfortable and he seemed to repeat alot of what the previous interviewers (last Friday) had asked me. Made me think: did they even compare notes?

    I’m also introverted so I was so nervous my mouth started to get dry. It made it harder to speak. I think I gave pretty decent answers. I was honest and to the point. Though, I couldn’t wait to get out of that room. After I left, I just felt like crying. I was frustrated plus I wasn’t feeling well so I don’t know what compelled me to feel that way.

    I still don’t know if I have the job or not. I’ll know on Friday. What made me have a sinking feeling is that the interviewer said they are interviewing 100 people... Part of me thinks it’ll be a miracle if I manage to even get this job. With the recession or whatever it is, it seems harder to get a job these days. I live in Canada...the recession has hit us too. Probably not as bad at the states though.

    Okay enough talking from me.

  3. I've never seen so much digging. I almost want to find Stacey and give her a shovel. It seems to me at least she's digging to find Dom's opinions on her relationship, She's digging to find out about Dom's relationship, and she's digging to find a way to say, "Hey , I know I tried to be cool and go with the flow when we met, but the fact is I'm completely in love with you and it's killing me that you're not talking to me. So here is me being vulnerable and exposing my actual awkwardness, and true feelings" If she'd just say that I believe it would be much to her benefit, but as we all know exposing ourselves (insert joke here) is never easy.

  4. My guess is the secret meaning is hidden in the life experience she is exploring - always being two steps ahead of yourself - and then betting in a fatalistic way for or against yourself. She's gone into limbo. (I nearly wrote Limbo Nine, for some reason. WTF.) She doesn't know where her next steps with Dom are. There's no road to cross.

    Hey, although I think in general social media suck duodena big-time, I do love the commentariat community that's building itself around these emails. They're built on rock, too, the tone and style of Stacey and Dom's writing, the clever monitoring from Mr Davis. They're like some community cricket match where anyone can dive in and have a go, and everyone else watches, and talks among themselves.

    BTW, I do that with eg road crossing, whatever happens next. Always thought it was a mild form of OCD with odd links to the "step on a crack" tradition. There's that good moment (the only good moment?) in Age Of Reason where Daniel Day Lewis wants Winona Ryder to look round before a yacht passes a bollard or somesuch...

  5. These comments are intimidating. I read this and thought..."wow, she misses him! It's so sad. But I know this is a love story, so it'll come around." But everyone else gets really, really deep and starts dissecting it and comparing it to themselves and I guess I got as much out of Stephanie and Chris and John and Anon as I did out of Stacey. So strange. This blog is genius though. Thanks Stephen. And no, I never want to unsubscribe :)

  6. This email reminds me of Doms email the one were he books in a hotel.... lol, there's depth here I feel bad for thinking Stacey was shallow =/

    Stephen did you know what they were studying at university?

  7. ^ Excellent observation, Anon. I wonder if Stacey realises how similar in tones those emails are. Is it intentional?

  8. Anon (9:42) Oh no - I'm dying to ask what was your text message. Maybe a hint, maybe. Sorry, being a little cheeky. I'm just loving these sub stories emerging in the comments.

  9. Stephanie, what a great comment. So much here. I love how you're realting to Stacey. I do too. I felt a little weird for doing it and when she was so brutally lambasted I have to admit at time I took it oddly personally.

    I love your story of ceasing to exist on the bus. I've also done that.

    But rest assured you would be missed here. Your voice is so treasured that if it never was, there would be a clear hole.

    I also adore your story of job onterview. Your writing ability shines through here, quite clearly. It's compelling and as one commenter said it's as much if not more than the blog itself. I still putting out the good vibes.

  10. Chris, how true. I too have hidden behind cool as protection. I too have cool hunted. Though I've never dipped as far to clad myself in pop art images.

    But what a comment. You're all on fire today.

  11. John O', what a mountain of responses. I'm not sure I can truly ascend.

    Firstly, thank you for the kind words about this community. It does feel decent to me. Love the cricket match analagy too. You are right, anyone one can play. Indeed anyone can bat.

    Now to your engagement with the narrative simply (For I think the comments are far more riddled with depth) -

    "There's no road to cross." Wow poetic, great allusions and splendid link back to the content. Too impressive.

    I too think Stacey has a touch of the OCDs. Indeed (as a give away) Dom states this as such in the next (or next - can't remember) email.

    I actually do this as well and believe it's the essence of OCD. Never knew it until someone poiting it out. After this nudge, I asked my wife; "Do I have OCD?" She looked at me and smiled. "Of course you do." She replied with tue caring.

  12. A Man de Clerk, I know - I get intimidated too. So much smarts in these comments. What helps me is the honesty though too. I get sense that folk here are generally kind and I take great comfort from that.

    And ta for never unsubbing. I really appreciate it.

  13. unsubbing!!?? Sorry became a little dickish then.

  14. Anon (12:38) Nice link back to Dom's hotel email. I know what you mean. So vulnerable.

    Yes - I think Dom's doing a general BA in Arts with an English Lit' major. I don't think Stacey is at Uni. But I'll double check.

  15. Chris Dixon, it was a great connection. And wow I wondered if it was deliberate. Surely not. But maybe.

  16. I think I'm the only one that has been angered by this e-mail.
    In the very first paragraph Stacy asks Dom to throw her a bone so-to-speak.
    She's been complaining about Marcus in all of her most recent e-mails, hoping Dom will reciprocate by talking about Elsa; revealing where their relationship stands.
    This way she can "give Dom some advice" about him and Elsa, once again becoming an integral part of Dom's life.

    I could go on further, but my 11 month old is now nudging my leg with her book 'Guess How Much I Love You'...

  17. i reckon Pennypup is on the dot there! and Chris too. She would benefit from coming out plainly.. Her letter has so many obvious inferences to screwing up. to trying to do one thing, but achieving another.. ahh.. poor Stacey.. i won't bother dissecting it in my usual manner.. But she certainly is digging.

    Or searching.

    ..perhaps for the sound of traffic.., the sign of a road she so obviously wants to cross..

    Or maybe she's just waiting for the traffic to pass by.

    Or a light to allow for the pedestrians to cross.

    I could go on with my metaphor but i'll leave it at this - i trust in Dom that he won't just paint her a zebra crossing in the middle of all this.

    Appears the safari is not over just yet.

    PS. Pennypup - that's really cute! 11 months. wow :)

  18. I think the majority of the people here are beyond the: “I like it” or “I hated it” stage. I think it is pretty cool to read everyone’s interpretations, starting up a discussion. It reminds me of school, where the teacher instructs the students to read a story (I actually had to read Jackson’s The Lottery last night and post a few comments on the discussion board. I ended up being the first commenter. Either people are too scared to state their ideas first or maybe I’m just an over-achiever who just wants to get her homework done before the weekend). I’ve felt with this blog I can comment honestly. And I guess it has carried over to allowing me to feel more confident/comfortable to answer honestly elsewhere. Plus, it’s been a long while since high school so I guess I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not as concerned about what other people will think about me.

    @A Man de Clark: Totally don’t feel intimidated! (I really hope my huge comment didn’t scare anyone. Eep.) I just think it’s really cool how this community is growing. Half the time, I’m not sure myself where to start with my comments. A trick I have is I read the e-mail (don’t look at the other comments) and then write down my first (most honest) impression of the e-mail. Sometimes I let my thoughts simmer, but I usually go with my initial thought.

    @Stephen: Thanks! I guess I've been on Team Dom for so long, maybe I'm challenging myself to finally see Stacy's point of view.

    Maybe it's the easy way out to cheer on the most likeable person/character. But I noticed I've enjoyed even the villains in novels/stories (I even adore some of the villains in the novel I'm currently writing, more so than some of the good characters). Mind you, I'm not saying Stacy is the villain here.

    I guess I’ll explain further what I am trying to get at. I have taken a Mythology course about 2 years ago and read a bit of Joseph Campbell's theories on Hero. In a nutshell what Campbell gets at (or how I interpreted it) is: Everyone is the hero of their own story [their lives], but they may be the villain to someone else's story. So, if you read a novel and you really dislike the villain, try to think about their story. How did they get that way? And maybe through their point-of-view they are the hero meanwhile who we think the hero is, they think is villain... It’s just two opposing forces, trying to claim some sort of victory... Having read Joseph Campbell, it really allowed me to see stories differently. It made me challenge myself to explore other points of view.

    Ha! I told myself this was going to be a short response, but it evolved into something bigger – something more than I had anticipated.

  19. @Pennypup, no I can definitely see why you would be angered. I agree one hundred percent. While i'm sure these two will end up together, I'm not a Stacey fan at the moment. But I can see Elsa making me not like her in the future... it's like smelling the rain before you can see it, while it's not there yet you know it's coming.
    @Stephanie, I LOVE your analogy, about person being a hero in their own story and a villain in another, it reminds me of the story WICKED. I'm sure everyone here knows what that is, but just in case it's the story of the Wizard of Oz told from the viewpoint of the Wicked Witch. Thanks for the compliments guys and Hiranga while you didn't break down into detail I completely understand where you were going with the traffic analogy. Loving this group.

  20. So Stacey has realised she's not going to get a comment from Dom on Marcus. You can tell she feels (more than a little) hurt by Dom's three day pause and short, to the point reply.

    She REALLY wants to know if Dom is in love with Elsa. However, it's not a question one can ask while keeping ones own feelings and prejudices private.. so she asks it as innocuously as she can. She, meanwhile, is out of love (was she ever in love?) with Marcus.

    Stacey wants to return to the halcyon days of the relationship where they would send long, personal e-mails with little, or no, third parties involved - just the two of them.

    At the moment, in my opinion, Stacey is being too coy and is 'backwards in coming forwards' as the aptly British and Australian phrase goes.

  21. PennyPup, how interesting. I'm sure others are angry too. I think you're right, Stacey does want Dom in her life and perhaps hers isn't as she wants it. I wonder if she's so coniving?

    And hear hear with Hiranga - 11 month - very cute. Tell us more. What's his/her name?

  22. Hiranga - love this bit of your comment:

    "i trust in Dom that he won't just paint her a zebra crossing in the middle of all this.

    Appears the safari is not over just yet."

    Great stuff. Also I think it's true that Stacey is offering a list of screw ups. Is she after sympathy? Is she being confessional. I think she's truly being vulnerable. As vulnerability can be so very attractive.

  23. Stephanie, your comments are becoming even more wonderful. I love the advice to commenters that just scribble initial responses from the gut. Great advice.

    And you're right about honesty. Me too. It's quite special folk are up for it.

    And Joseph Campbell, huh!? The template of narrative. Not sure if this would interest you; but after George Lucas espoused it a template for Star Wars - A fella named Christopher Vogler broke it down as a template for screenwriting (my job) and published it as book called the heroes journey. It'd be quite interesting to reflect on that in light of Campbell.

  24. Chris - haha - love that Elsa will not make you lie, her in the future. And like you, I love Stephanie's call on hero/villain. Good pick up on POV too. Wicked etc. I've never seen it. Is it worth it?

  25. Jamie, I love that Stacey dreams of the halycon days with no interruption. How beautiful. And so sadly true. Life can get in the way.

    And I just noticed that she signs her email with two kisses. If ever there was a hint and a longing there it is.

  26. If you are into big broadway musicals Wicked is definitely worth it. If not it probably be your cup of tea, so to speak.

  27. @Hiranga & Steven: Haha thanks. Every Wed and Sun morning I jump right on the PC to check this blog and sometimes my daughter Avery gets a bit jealous lol. I'm not too sure how it's going to be when I have two of them nudging me! (I have another due in Jan lol)

    @Chris: I love your analogy of smelling the rain before seeing it. I agree with you about Elsa. She's going to do something stupid in the future which will make me think "You dink!"

    P.S. It's now 'Goodnight Moon' in my thigh.

  28. Chris; ah big broadway musicals. I admit I can have an aversion. But I loved the Oz books as a kid. Indeed it was with one of Baum's books that I discovered I could read in my own head. A truly defining moment as a wee one.

  29. PennyPup - another one. Good luck with it all.

  30. PennyPup: And post script - please keep us updated about how it goes.


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