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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

78th email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Thursday June 14th, 1999 11:21AM
Subject: RE RE Coming down

Yeah spoke to Elsa this morning.

She is going to be here on Saturday. She’s looking forward to catching up too – in a vino-way.

And yeah she did get together with the goatee, square glass, short-haired guy (though I think he’s actually going bald).

They came home together and emerged from her bedroom around 5:00 the next afternoon.
And you are so right. He didn’t shower.

Instead while she was in the bathroom, I had to make polite conversation with him in the kitchen.

I mean I’m always quite hospitable to the guys she brings home. I always offer a cup of tea. I always initiate polite conversation. And in one case, I can actually become their friend (that’s how I met Crisps – ending up talking for hours and playing Myst – Elsa got a little jealous – which I understand.)

But this guy – man… his name was Keith for a start. He was so caught up in himself. He’d lived in Sydney for a few years and felt so superior. He was constantly talking about the clubbing scene and how Sydney was so much better.

And his voice! He had this annoying accent that was sorta fey, nasal with English try-hard tones. I think he’d excuse his accent as trans-Atlantic. And I agree on this definition as it does sound like he’s drowning.

And how he sipped his tea;
A morse code of slurping (…---…)

And he had no interest in me either – not just me, but no interest in talking about anything but himself.

And as part of this ‘me-me-me’ conversation - he went into great detail about the night he shared with Elsa.

“Man, I’m a really giving lover…”

“Man, I think she liked it when I kissed her back. She said my lips were the best. And she liked my goatee as it touched her skin. It gave her goosebumps.”

“Man, I can control my orgasm. I’ve got this strong mental life. I think of rocks and streams and moss. I can go for hours.”

And this was only the printable stuff.
It was relentless.
I didn’t want to hear it.

I’ve known Elsa for a few years. We went to school together, made each other laugh and have found a content place of friendship. Sartorial, I guess. Sorry mean sorority –- sisterly -- I think sartorial means something to do with clothes making.

Anyway he went on and on. I was truly starting to think of ways I could kill myself to get out of the conversation when he said:

“You know it’s so hard having this face. People judge you because you’re so good looking. I wish I had a normal face. An ordinary face. I wish I had a face like yours…”

I lost it. I told him to get out. Get out of my house. He looked shocked. Not sure what to do. I said, ‘I’m serious – get out of my house before I hurt myself!’

Then the conversation went something like this:

HIM: Can I ring a taxi?
ME: No.
HIM: Can I finish my tea?
ME (Grabbing his tea and glugging it down myself): No.
HIM: Can I say goodbye to Elsa?
ME: When was the last time you were in a bathroom?
HIM: I can wait ‘til she gets out.
ME: You can wait outside.
HIM: But it’s cold.
ME: Use your strong mental life and think of summer.
HIM: But I only use my mental life when I’m having sex.
ME: Well then - go fuck yourself.

He didn’t know what to say to that. He blinked a couple of times, shuffled in his seat. I called to Elsa:

ME: Keith’s leaving, Elsa.
HIM: Tell her to ring me.
ME: Keith’s wants you to ring me.
HIM: Should I leave my number?
ME: No need. As you seem to be the only person in the world, you must be the only person in the phone book, right?
HIM: What’s that mean?
ME: It means Goodbye, Keith.

At this point I open the door and offered some sarcastic gesture.

I think I bowed.

Keith shuffled out. He was about to speak one final time. I said:

ME: Let’s not use words.

And I closed the door on him.

Once he was gone, Elsa came out of the bathroom. She was still dressed. I thought she’d be angry.

But she was relived.

She was hiding in bathroom, waiting for him to go.

She apologised but she had put up with Keith for hours. He kept sleeping, snoring and scratching. The sex was dull and his penis was quite thin (her words – not mine)

I asked, ‘how thin?’

And she started doing a drawing. I started drawing too and for the rest of the evening we pissed ourselves laughing over a sketch pad full of embarrassing male members.

Anyway – why did I start this? Oh yeah – Elsa will be there on Saturday night for dinner.

Looking forward to it.



  1. "Anyway – why did I start this? Oh yeah – Elsa will be there on Saturday night for dinner.

    Looking forward to it.


    I laughed so hard.

  2. He’s deflecting – but in a good way. If he can keep this up it will stand him in good stead for the potentially excruciating dinner party.

  3. I think if I were Dom I would have punched the guy in the face and then kicked him out. Good on him for keeping his cool, shame on his roommate for subjecting him to that asshole. I also thoroughly enjoy the last line where he comes back from his ADD ranting. I'm starting to like Dom more and more every day. He impressed me with this email. I hope Stacey gets upset because he didn't focus on her for the entire message. I think he's accomplishing exactly what he needs to by not consistently praising her and worshiping her as he used to. I'm interested to see what Stacey thinks of this side of him.
    Go Dom!

  4. YES!! I laughed so hard at the morse code ahaha and the rest of it hahahaa loved it !

    Chris Dixon, i think you're right - he did deflect Stacey last email! He didn't even ask her about her shit week! He had a an epic time with his housemate, which really could have been any other girl, AND he totally d-stroid Mister Fancypants!

    I reckon Marcus should be an easy challenge if Dom keeps this up. What a glorious win for Dom! -very proud of him.

  5. “Treat ’em mean – keep ’em keen”

    I always detested this theory, but it seems like it might work on Stacey, true to form.

  6. Anon 10:33, it made me laugh too. Nice way to start the day, I reckon.

  7. Chris D', He is flying strong I think. I wonder if he's conciously deflecting or protecting.
    I wonder what his next move will be.

  8. Liz, love your comment. I wish our Dom could read it. Or perhaps he is??? Are you there, Dom?

  9. Bravo, Steph T - I too think it'll be interesting to see how our Stacey responds to this anti solipsism. Perhaps it'll be a relief to talk other things and not themselves.
    Though question to all, do yout think Keith is an asshole?

  10. Hiranga, love that Marcus will be an easy victory. But I do worry that this is Dom and only Dom's version of events. I wonder if he was so skilled off the cuff?

  11. Chris D' is Dom really treating her mean? I guess he's not worshipping her as much.

    Gosh, I don't know.

    Sorry for my crap response. Will be smarter soon, I hope.

    Perhaps I should have just said


  12. Heidi - he wrote a good one hey - just like your site which continue to be regan-funny. Love the fashion week article.

    Adn to all, PLEASE CHECK OUT HEIDI'S BLOG, if you get the chance.

    Just click heidi's link at the bottom of the page

  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  14. I don't see what most others do based on feedback. Yes, Dom was funny and deflected much of Stacey's e-mail... but isn't it time he calls her out on her BS? I thought Stacey's last e-mail was rude and grating, and wished that Dom did more to call her out on it instead of simply deflecting. Maybe I'm more confrontational than most.

  15. Another thing - totally unrelated, but I feel is important nonetheless...

    Just wanted to give props to you, Stephen. I'm constantly amazed by how genuine your responses are. Your responses are always positive, intelligent, optimistic, and uplifting. Personal responses to all posters make us feel individual. It's a great feeling to know that your opinion and thoughts are valued and being talked about, and you are the catalyst of it all. You aren't told this enough! Thank you - Stephen, you are awesome!

  16. First of all bravo Jason, you're right on, thanks for the comment feedback Stephen. Secondly this is by far the best email yet and puts me firmly behind Dom. He handled things with complete class by being genuine, funny, and seemingly unphased by Stacy's last email. He has taken the mature road and given her exactly what she's asked for, a friend. Well played sir... well played. And I got a sneaking suspicion "Dom" is watching.

  17. Jason, thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate it. I try to answer all comments as I think it's only fair.

    And to be honest it's a delight and an honour as all that comment think deeply about the material and truly care.

    What has become surpising for me about this venture is the generosity of people and the fortune that this small humble site has generated such a fine community.

    You are certainly part of that and have fast become a commenter that I anticipate.

    Thank you deeply for the acknowledgement.
    You are awesome too.
    Or as one commenter said:
    You're a good person.

  18. Chris, thank you as well. I was posting my response to Jason as you comment popped up. So a big thanks and the thumbs up.

    I love that you think Dom might be 'watching' or "dom" as you put it. I hope you responds one day.

    Also it's fascinating to read that Dom is mature in this email. I guess he is. I do wonder what has pushed him to this place. Is is Stacey? Is it an acceptance of loss? Or is it accident?

  19. I think his roommate gave him some good advice that he took... just a guess.

  20. Wow. I missed ALOT. LOL. Been busy with school again...
    Then I remembered I had a sudden withdrawal from Dom & Stacy.
    Just read the last 3 e-mails. Dom did drugs! Thought it was interesting...
    He tried it for the first time at his age (I’m guessing like early 20s).
    Kinda reminds me of me actually.
    I don’t really support drugs but I was a late-bloomer in my experimental days.
    And I guess as a writer, I wanted to experience alot...I did E a few times like 2-3 years ago.
    [Anyway, hope this doesn’t show me in bad light...I just feel like being honest at the moment]
    Could relate to Dom... the drugs make you feel really good...all your senses become clearer...
    At least for me they did. And you totally don’t give a shit about anything going around you.
    The only thing that sucks is when you get down from the high and you have to start living reality. Then again, reality is alot better than becoming brain dead... I eventually stopped.

    Anyway, this last e-mail made my week!
    I totally wish I had been there to see Dom do this. It’s pretty epic.
    I want a friend who would do that for me – kick some sleaze bag out of my house.
    He proves himself to be a good friend here.
    I loved when he finally gives Keith a piece of his mind.
    I loved this part:
    ME: You can wait outside.
    HIM: But it’s cold.
    ME: Use your strong mental life and think of summer.
    HIM: But I only use my mental life when I’m having sex.
    ME: Well then - go fuck yourself.

    And I had a good hearty laugh when he mentioned he probably recalled bowing.
    It seemed like he had a moment that just seemed ‘right’ – kinda like when you see people do something or say something and then you think “I wish I could have done that.” I think I only had a few moments like that myself.

    With the whole Elsa thing, I think Stacy may be jealous but from what I can tell Dom is just really good friend with her. But I think there is a possibility that some people may think that he may borrow Elsa as a date perhaps... But either way I think it’s a good thing. It’s NEVER fun to be the third wheel. I think Stacy should just deal with it. She has Marcus. If she is so bothered by Dom’s relationships with other women, she should just date him (claim him). It’s stupid to be all grumpy when the guy has basically poured out his heart to her – she should know he would gladly be with her.

    Okay....done with my raving!
    Happy to comment again. I missed this.

  21. Chris, ah elsa the advice giver. I like that. I widner if she could help with my mood swings :)

  22. Stephanie, you've been missed too, I'm sure.
    Love your comment. It's like you've unscrewed your head and let us all in for a moment. That's so generous. I hope others appreciate it. It's fun being there.

    Love your reading of Elsa - prophetic maybe? Am I hinting? Maybe? Sunday something will be revealed.

    Drop in anytime. Hope school is doing well. What's your major again?
    (Gosh, hope I haven't asked that question before or its been volunteered. If so - sorry)

  23. I can definitely see Dom and Elsa hooking up at some point.

  24. I'll take prophetic as a compliment, Stephen. :)
    I seem to be good at analysing the individuals. XD
    I'm on a roll.

    School is going well...been getting pretty good grades. I recently graduated from university, taking English and psychology.
    And now I'm at a new college...taking a Professional Writing Program... They have a placement program so I'm hoping to bridge over to some workplace. I need a job.

  25. I'm going to hold you to this, Chris.

  26. Stephanie, good luck with it all. I don't know if this helps - but I've been working professionally as a writer for 15 or so years and it's a good life.

    I mainly work in Film and TV - but sometimes I cross over into theatre. Are these your forms?

    And please let me know if I can help in anyway - I feel completely humbled by the support this little blog has gotten and for the engagement the commenters have invested and for those, I feel truly indebted. I guess simply I'm saying - I owe you one.


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