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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

36th email

----- Original Message -----
From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Sunday, May 16th, 1999 11:24 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE another drink

Dear Stacey,

I loved last night. I really did. I’m so sorry that my friends barged in like that. I honestly didn’t know they where coming. But you seemed to like them anyway. Or at least pretended you liked them.

Marcus rang me this morning to say he had a nice night by the way. He also wanted me to pass on a hello.
So, hello, from Marcus.

He was all weird and cryptic too – but that’s Marcus. He can be a fucking pain, I tell you. I think he plays it ‘all secret codes’ and allusions to boost his currency.
Once he told me that he thinks he knows every word in the dictionary.

Anyway, back to last night:
Can I tell you what I really liked about last night?
I really liked how there were ten other people crowded around the table, but at some point they became just a collective and we were the only two individuals left.
Did you feel that?

I also love how we talked for hours - sitting quite close and telling secrets. Well maybe not secrets (note to self; stop inflating everything) I guess we just shared stories.

And it wasn’t that we were ignoring the other people. It was just we took our time, our space and owned it.

I know I sound a little like one of those people that I usually want to drown in their own opinion – but it felt special in a way.

Maybe I shouldn’t dwell on it. Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book and live in the moment.

But I can’t stop thinking of it. Here’s my favourite moment:
It was about one o’clock in the morning. I guess I was a little drunk, the steak was sitting well in the stomach and you had half a beer left. We had just stopped talking about how many sexual partners we’d had and I lied telling you twelve (once we know each other better, I’ll tell you the real number)

You’d only had three (not sure if that’s the truth either – not that I’m calling you a slut – okay I’ve gone a little mad, now - back to the moment…)

So it was one o’clock and I realised that I’d been sitting on those aluminium chairs for hours. And with all the beer I needed to excuse myself.

Actually I’d needed to excuse myself for ages; but I was so enjoying your company, I didn’t want to leave it.

The truth is I thought that once I leave – even for that brief moment – I knew that when I came back someone else could be sitting in my chair trying to have the same conversation with you. And you’d be polite. You wouldn’t tell them to leave. You’d listen to them. You’d maybe even like them and that’s okay. It would simply mean that our moment was over. And it had to end sometime, right?

So there I was in the bathroom, trying to be as quick as possible and my mind was racing.

I was flashing through each small moment that we had, trying to grasp onto it as one lump. Trying to relive the moments quickly for in doing so I might fill the gap.

But as I washed my hands, I got a glimpse of my face in the bathroom mirror and I stopped. I actually stopped and took a breath and I heard you. I heard your existentialism and felt calm. It was just me and my breathing and the moment and everything was calm. I didn’t have fear, I didn’t have jealousy, I didn’t have expectation and I didn’t have disappointment. Instead I had a playful and refreshing sense of nothing.

It was genuine, truly genuine.

With this new found sense, I stood and walked out of the bathroom and to my surprise I saw you sitting in the same spot. You hadn’t moved and there was no one sitting next to you. My place was still there, my chair. The collective had still remained without character and you and I were the only two people left on earth.

So I approached. You looked up when I was near and you smiled. You smiled at me. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone really smile at me - ever. Not like your smile.
So I sat down - back in my chair and I felt it was different. My all night groove in it was slightly out of shape. And then you told me:

“People had tried to sit there but I told them it was taken.”

It was taken.

That was my favourite moment. Indeed I think it has definitely been my favourite moment of the year.

Thanks for giving me that.


PS sorry I left so abruptly. Started to get the head spins.


  1. hahaa awwwwwww man......!!!!!!!!!!! ga ga ga

    Just taking a leaf out of Stacey's former mindset - you know what i hate? I hate how i love this romantic shit so much. Ugh. *slaps myself* I'm gonna go for a run.

  2. oh my dears... oh steven... oh stacey...oh dom...well I have been reading the blog for a while ... but until tonight never the commments.. i just went back to the beginning and read them all..oh oh oh..sooo beautiful/sad/ hopeful/ cynical/ human... thankyou... re truth or bullshit.. someone who once wanted to sleep with me told me he was really attracted to my "persona"... its not the real me! I said... yeah but it is what the real you chose to project!! he replied... i never worked out if he was wise or an asshole or both...

  3. ps I am very very worried for Dom

  4. He almost lost it but then pulled it back, I can see the love flourishing. For a moment I worried Doms friend might've got his foot in the door, but lets be fair, I think Stacey at that point is really falling for Dom, so I don't think Doms friends are a worry.

    Really good post, can't wait her for reply.

  5. Hiranga, how was the run - still feeling sentimental?

  6. Anon, I suspect he was an asshole.

    And yes - aren't the comments amazing. I feel so lucky that this readership are human, wise, beautiful, sad, cynical and can I throw in so damn smart.

    ps I'm worried for Dom too.

  7. Dux, I just hope Stacey is brave enough to recognize the love or at least think she's worthy of it.

    Really good comment, can't wait for you next one.

  8. I hadn't thought about that, Stephen. Looking back at older emails she is quite self conscious, almost self loathing. She almost feels like she doesn't deserve much. That's so sad. I too hope that she believes shes worthy of it.
    Even if she doesn't, lets think about Dom for a moment. Things shes been a little conscious about in the past Dom has quickly reassured her about them.

    They compliment each other so well.

  9. If I had had a Dom at that age I would have been all a-puddle. Hell, I would still be all a-puddle. I can't believe she's holding it together so well.

  10. Dux, I know. I know. But I'm troubled. I'm worried.

  11. Jo, nice to hear from you. Love your 'all a-puddle phrase'.

    And I know. I think she is holding it together well. I do wonder why? And what will make her crumble?

    Also checked out your designs. They're great. If you're reading these comments check them out.

  12. Why thank you kindly.

    I am reminded of Edward Monkton's Lovely love story. Not so sure why. Hopeless romantic I suspect.

  13. Oh...I just found this blog through ivillage; I made myself start at the beginning and I can't wait to see where the story ends up. I think Im a little in love with Dom myself after this last email. I can see this being a two person play.

  14. Ugh! I can't believe there are actually guys like this out there! Not in a bad way at all though, he's seemingly so sweet and amazing.
    Sometimes he seems so insecure but in a way, the showcase of this insecurity is amazingly confident.
    Maybe he is secretly really confident and just doesn't want to seem cocky?
    Maybe he just doesn't know how confident he really is, and apparently deserves to be...

  15. Anon, welcome to the site. I'm a little in love with Dom too. But I'm also in love with Stacey. I'm torn!

  16. ST, I hadn't even considered that Dom might be really confident but didn't want to seem cocky. I think that's an amazing reading of him.

    But I don't think he's sinister. Not that you're saying that.

    But I don't think he has a secret agenda - perhaps physical - as some comments have suggested.

    If he is indeed confident I suspect that his strength might be words. But his weakness is action.

    Thanks again for a thought provoking comment.

  17. ..oh my god, I could almost cry. This is seriously touching and usually I dont get caught by all this sappy stuff. Thank you Dom and Stacey, thank you. (PS POST MORE EMAILS)

  18. I'm baaack! Also in a hurry to see what I've missed.

  19. I can definately identify with that Stephen, being a person who's strength is in words and not in action myself.


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