273rd and 274th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Friday October 31st , 1999 7:43PM
Subject: RE RE RE A thought

Okay…gotta tell you about the role play at centrelink today…it seemed like the focus was on smiling…you have to smile, said the Pussy Cat Teacher…So when it came to my turn…I walked into the stage (and when I say stage I mean front of the airless, characterless box at the back of the Centrelink offices in Fortitude Valley) just thinking the word ‘smile’ over and over again as the Pussy Cat teacher set the scene.

“You are going for a job in an office as PA, alright Stacey? I am the job interviewer and you are the applicant. Don’t forget to smile.”

I blinked at the scenario…a PA…just like my boyfriend, I thought…this should be easy…just think of Dom...this will certainly make you smile…

“And scene…” She said.

I took a breath and entered this new world of theatre…

“Good Morning…” I said as I approached the Pussy Cat Teacher, holding out my hand.

“Good morning…”She replied taking it.

“My name is Stacey Marchenkova…here is my resume..”

“Thank you, Stacey”

She took the resume and in a few minutes she had gathered all she needed to know.

“So you don’t have that much experience as a Personal Assistant, Stacey.”

“No, I don’t but I am very personal and very good at being an assistant…” I said taking a risk, trying to be a little human…

“Pause scene” she said.

“Now Stacey, that’s good but try and not be a smart arse.”

“I wasn’t being a smart arse..” I replied… I was making light of my lack of…

“And restart scene...” She said, not interested in my justification…

“So again, I ask Stacey – you don’t have much experience in the field…”

I took a breath…I needed another tactic…

“I know…it’s true and I’m willing to learn…and I’m a very quick learner...

This made the Pussycat teacher smile…I was obviously pushing the right buttons…but as is always my case…once I still winning I immediately start failing…I push it too far…I simply trust my instincts…and with this I said…

“And my boyfriend was a PA too…”

The Pussycat teacher dropped her ears…where was I going with this…

“See, he’s in LA…well New York now…but when he was LA…he was a PA…and simply by talking to him…I have a sense of the what the job is and if I get into any trouble I can always ask him…”

The Pussycat Teacher was losing interest and she broke out of the scene for a split second to remind me to smile…

But I continued regardless…

“But I have to be honest I don’t think it went well for him…he found it difficult and demeaning…and who could blame him…it’s kinda like being a servant or slave…now this might be fine in the short term if the boss is kind, benevolent even…but if they’re unpleasant then the job is nightmare…so I guess if anything I have low expectations and some sense of how to navigate the relationship if it indeed (as I suspect) one that is horrendous…

The Pussycat Teacher blinked…opened her mouth…but I hadn’t finished…

“And I know you’re going to tell my to smile…but it’s hard to smile when he’s thousands of miles away and I don’t speak to him that often and he quit his job as a PA because it made him feel like shit…he told me he was fired…but I spoke to his folks and found out he quit…

….and I feel like shit...cause I miss him and in my darkest moments I don’t know if it’s going to work out…or if indeed it should as he’s on his own path and I don’t want him to stop and be unhappy with me…and I can’t fucking smile..not now…I don’t want this job…I don’t want to be here and I can’t smile…as there’s nothing to smile about…nothing at all…”

The Pussycat Teacher blinked and finally said…

“Well you don’t expect to get the job do you?”

And then and only then for the first time did I smile before I picked up my bag and left the room…

So there you have it…there’s my day…and now I’m home I’m trying all I can to remember what made my smile…just so I can feel happy once more…

I guess I’m having trouble with this…

Should I just let you be…?



Love Stacey




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Friday October 31st , 1999 10:43PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE A thought

I love you…