142nd email - 155th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Monday July 22nd July 1999, 22:21 PM
Subject: Perhaps…

Fuck, Jesus Dom…I don’t know is there something else going on here? If there is I’ll support you in whatever it is…and if this email offends you, I’m sorry…but…





From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999 1:08 AM
Subject: RE Perhaps…

I’m going to bed now as I’m too sleepy to come up with a cogent argument.





From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999, 1:12 AM
Subject: RE RE Perhaps…

…you’re a coward…don’t go to bed…





From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999 1:15 AM
Subject: RE RE RE Perhaps…

Okay couldn’t sleep – and fuck you! I’m not a coward. Jesus I’m not Marcus.





From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999, 1:23 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

And there we have it…we have heard the truth…at last…
“I’m not a coward. I am not Marcus.”

See you do have a side. You think Marcus is a coward. Why didn’t you say that?





From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999 1:43 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

Okay you want the truth – don’t place your anger about Marcus on me--

I mean I’m up for carrying your burden but when I do, acknowledge it when it happens, alright?

And don’t the fuck take it out on me.





From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999, 1:50 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

Okay okay okay…maybe I am taking it out on you…but I am pissed off…and that’s shitty…sorry…I’m an idiot…but I’m angry…I don’t know where to place it…





From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999 1:54 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

So why such anger…?





From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999, 2:02 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

Because I didn’t believe you…I thought there was something else going on…there always is when that safe non committal ‘adult’ double speak comes into play…

…most of the time it means the person ultimately doesn’t care…or isn’t listening…but I knew you did…so there had to be something else…





From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999 2:05 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

But I don’t know what that is.





From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999, 2:12 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

Stop being so safe, Dom….there is something...
there is something you’re not telling me…

…I think it has to do with Marcus…or I think it has to do with me and Marcus…

I know you have an opinion…about whether I should stay with him or not…but you’re not telling me…





From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999 2:21 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

Yes, I have a strong opinion about Marcus.

Yes, I think you should leave him.

Yes, I think you should be with me instead.

Is that what you want to hear?

Happy now?



d

PS Betcha didn’t see that one coming did you?





From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Tuesday July 23rd 1999, 2:34 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Perhaps…

Oh…

140th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Monday July 22nd July 1999, 20:21 PM
Subject: Elliot Smith

I love Elliot Smith.


s

PS and apologising in case you offended me is not an apology even it wasn’t your intention…it’s a safety response…

no rue…

and a slight, I reckon…putting it back on me…

it’s like when people say ‘I’m sorry, but…’

the but usually implies that you should have never been offended in the first place or that…it actually might be your fault all along…

“I’m sorry…but you’re a liar…’

If you know what I mean…

139th email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Saturday July 20th, 1999 10:21 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Had an adventure

Stacey, okay not sure what’s going on here but I feel I need to state; nay to stress that at no time did I understand your position (or understand why I used the word nay).

But seriously, I never pretended to understand nor did I secretly believe I did understand and was playing it down thus being patronising.

See that would be shitty and I am not a shitty person. No fucking way.
I suggest what you should do is believe that I truly didn’t understand – just like that great Elliot Smith song.

“You once talked to me about love
And you painted pictures of a Never-Never Land
And I could've gone to that place
But I didn't understand. I didn’t understand”

Because it’s true; I didn’t understand either. Really. Really. Really.
(And boy do I love that song)

Finally my offering of hope in previous emails was because I trusted you did understand.

I trusted you’d make the right decision for yourself.

I trusted you.

Anyway I apologise if I offended you. It was ne’er my intention (as is never using the word ne’er again)

d

49th email

----- Original Message -----
From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@printthis.com >
Sent: Sunday, May 23rd, 1999 17:01 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE so sorry

Dom, stop it. Stop it now!

I think I should be the one saying sorry…

Actually I know I should be saying sorry…

Why do I do that? Why do I use words like ‘I think’ before making a vulnerable statement…I guess I’m protecting myself…kinda like folk that say ‘I’m sorry but I never meant to hurt you…’ I hate that...just state the ‘sorry’ and own it…whatever…

Anyway… after I got your last email, I thought (against my better nature:)) that I should look backwards at our correspondence…and… I am so sorry for my email about Marcus… I did give too much detail… I feel like such a bitch for sending it…

So I am sorry…no qualifications…owned…stamped…sent…framed for the whole world to see…

I don’t know if this is useful…but perhaps I can offer some reasoning behind my action…might help you understand…(though I know you’re way capable)…(and sorry if that sounds patronising)

See…I can get a little angry sometimes…I hate that part of myself…I really do…and you don’t need to have it thrust in your face…you didn’t need to know everything…

Okay now I’m feel like I’m stalling…no more stalling…back on topic…take a breath Stacey, in, out and…

I sent you the Marcus email because I wanted to hurt you…because…

I kinda fell for you a bit…

…okay not a bit…a lot…

…you are bloody good with words…I couldn’t wait to get another email from you…

I kept checking each hour, hoping that there’d be something…I became a little obsessed and though I might have been a little cool…trust my when I read your emails…I was far from it…

Then that night when you left The Norman…all that insecure bullshit that internally lurks in me fought back…and I felt like shit…I felt like I’d been conned…I felt like I had completely missed it…

Simply, I felt stupid…

And I got angry…

And there was Marcus (don’t worry no details this time) he paid attention…he made me feel okay…

… And I’m so sorry it didn’t work out between us…I think it could’ve been great…grand, perhaps…I don’t know, maybe we would’ve torn each other apart…but one thing I know for certain…the sex would’ve been terrific…


S

PS Also I know we can be great mates…if you’re up for it…