199th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Thursday August 1st, 1999 13:34PM
Subject: RE RE I’m actually feel a little guilty

And now I don’t feel guilty at all...what’s wrong with me…it was so good to see you today…

god sex is good for guilt…

it’s funny isn’t it…we’re being dishonest in every way…but honest to each other…it’s like we’ve crossed the line and once it’s crossed we can do whatever we want…

So with this in mind - do you want to go out and kill a homeless person?

Hey I was also thinking…I reckon I went to your bookstore a year ago...

I’m certain of it...

Were you working there a year ago? I think you served me (as you do now – wink-wink)

189th email - 192nd email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Tuesday July 30th, 1999 17:21 PM
Subject: RE RE Close Shave?

Do you really want me to tell you I fucked Marcus that night? You’re a strange one, Dom Borax.


S

PS No I didn’t fuck Marcus. But did you fuck Elsa that night?




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Tuesday July 30th, 1999 17:27 PM
Subject: RE RE RE Close Shave?

PPS And Yes we’ll come to your party…but only if our feet can find a quite place to snog at some point.




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Tuesday July 30th, 1999 17:28 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE Close Shave?

PPPS And what you doing tomorrow? I can pick you up from the Uni bookshop, during your work lunch and we can shag in the car park…




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 30th, 1999 20:AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE Close shave

Deal. I’ll be the lady of the night standing on the corner in ripped tights.

I don’t come cheap.


Dxx

PS And are you a cop? You have to tell the truth when asked or it’s entrapment. (I think that’s the word)

PPS Yes, Elsa and I did shag that night. Sorry.

166th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Friday, July 26th, 1999 18:12 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Last night’s call

Hey Dom,

I got here early…went across the road to this internet café…I feel I need to write to you before seeing you…it feels familiar and though I have nothing really to say…there’s something right about it…

Perhaps we should take computers into the room and sit on the bed and write to each other…

I’m kinda being serious…email foreplay…me breathing warm air on my blind carbon copy tab as you fiddle with your attachments…

Of course neither of us is going to lug desktops into a hotel…but perhaps we should just speak in blocked sentences or…I don’t know…I’m a little nervous…I’m raving…I told you I have nothing to say…so…

How are you?

How was I?


sxx

PS God, I can’t believe I’m sending this email.

135th - 138th email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Thursday July 18th, 1999 9:01 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE Had an adventure

So are you guys back together?






From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Thursday July 18th July 1999, 22:31 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE Had an adventure

I don’t think so…I don’t think I want it…but things are different…he’s been staying here and not reading before going to sleep…sex is better and he shuts up when I tell him to shut up…

I am a little confused.

How’s things with Elsa?






From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday July 19th, 1999 8:51 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Had an adventure

Things are fine with Elsa. But we both hope that you’re looking after yourself. Of course we support you in whatever decision you make.


Dxx






From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Friday July 19th July 1999, 21:05 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Had an adventure

Hang on a second… your email sounds final…I’m not making any decision here…

I’m not thinking of returning to Marcus or leaving…indeed this seems quite pure…we’re just in this moment together…yes it’s intimate…but I have found that sex is the closest I get to being in the moment…and if I shut out the fantasy and just focus on the physical it’s perfect…

I know Marcus isn’t quite in the moment…but I don’t care…he’s only a few beats behind or ahead…and we’re not fighting and I’m in control…

So to have you mention that I need to make a choice about being with him or leaving him indefinitely is really insulting…

And patronising…

I mean, come on, Dom…where do you get off? You’ll support whatever decision I make?

You sound like this councillor my mother made me see when I was fifteen…she wouldn’t take a position either…instead playing both sides in a crude attempt to make it seem that she truly understood…

…but she didn’t…she didn’t understand either position…but fuck me if she was going to reveal that…no…she had to stay that one professional step ahead of me because it made her feel better…

I still see her sometimes in the Library…and she pretends to not know me…

I’m going now before I get really angry…

49th email

----- Original Message -----
From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@printthis.com >
Sent: Sunday, May 23rd, 1999 17:01 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE so sorry

Dom, stop it. Stop it now!

I think I should be the one saying sorry…

Actually I know I should be saying sorry…

Why do I do that? Why do I use words like ‘I think’ before making a vulnerable statement…I guess I’m protecting myself…kinda like folk that say ‘I’m sorry but I never meant to hurt you…’ I hate that...just state the ‘sorry’ and own it…whatever…

Anyway… after I got your last email, I thought (against my better nature:)) that I should look backwards at our correspondence…and… I am so sorry for my email about Marcus… I did give too much detail… I feel like such a bitch for sending it…

So I am sorry…no qualifications…owned…stamped…sent…framed for the whole world to see…

I don’t know if this is useful…but perhaps I can offer some reasoning behind my action…might help you understand…(though I know you’re way capable)…(and sorry if that sounds patronising)

See…I can get a little angry sometimes…I hate that part of myself…I really do…and you don’t need to have it thrust in your face…you didn’t need to know everything…

Okay now I’m feel like I’m stalling…no more stalling…back on topic…take a breath Stacey, in, out and…

I sent you the Marcus email because I wanted to hurt you…because…

I kinda fell for you a bit…

…okay not a bit…a lot…

…you are bloody good with words…I couldn’t wait to get another email from you…

I kept checking each hour, hoping that there’d be something…I became a little obsessed and though I might have been a little cool…trust my when I read your emails…I was far from it…

Then that night when you left The Norman…all that insecure bullshit that internally lurks in me fought back…and I felt like shit…I felt like I’d been conned…I felt like I had completely missed it…

Simply, I felt stupid…

And I got angry…

And there was Marcus (don’t worry no details this time) he paid attention…he made me feel okay…

… And I’m so sorry it didn’t work out between us…I think it could’ve been great…grand, perhaps…I don’t know, maybe we would’ve torn each other apart…but one thing I know for certain…the sex would’ve been terrific…


S

PS Also I know we can be great mates…if you’re up for it…