Posts
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@printthis.com >
Sent: Wednesday, June 20th, 1999 22:52 PM
Subject: RE RE Matrix and Election
Hey you must be really busy…three days between emails and such a short one…Are you busy? Working…? In love…?...You know!!??
As for me…I’ve had too much time on my hands...getting less hours at the bar…thinking of quitting anyway…not sure how good it is for my world view…
Not sure what I’d do if I quit, though…
…of course I shouldn’t be pre planning or looking forward…as you well know my anxiety will creep in and dominate…but I have to admit that, lately I’ve been thinking more about what I want to do…time has become kinda odd…
I have such a fucked up relationship with time…I try ever so hard not to look at the clock or count seconds…for I know if I do, I might not stop…
Sometimes I even will time to go faster…
…indeed…here’s a confession…as much as I state I live in the moment…I often exist a few beats ahead of myself…
I’m generally thinking of my next action…
…for example…I’m making a cup of tea …but my head is actually contemplating sitting down after making the tea…I’m ahead of myself…
…this makes me clumsy…I drop things…I trip…..I cut or burn myself…see, I’m actually not in the moment…so I crash against it…
I suspect this has to do with chaos…and if I can control it a little then maybe I have purpose, intent and place…
I do this when crossing the road…do you do this…?
What I do is I watch the cars driving past…I see a gap in the traffic…I cross…
…but as I’m crossing I’m one step ahead again…I see myself on the other side of the road…but I’ve placed a rule on it…I’ve made a deal…the deal is to get across that side of the road and beyond that tree before that fast approaching sedan passes me…
(and here’s the kicker)
… if I don’t get to the tree in time…something awful will happen…I’ll lose my job…my house will be robbed…someone I know might even die…
Isn’t that mad? For a moment I truly believe I have the fate of another in my hands…of course rationally I know this is not the case…but as I stand on the kerb…I think I might be some sort of god…and I mean that with no sense of self importance :)
Anyway…I’ve taken too much of your time…I hope you’re having a damn fine happy sexy time…
S xx
PS I thought Election was a little smug…it felt like it was film scared of women…Matrix on the other hand…
