Email me
Showing posts with label Los Angeles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Los Angeles. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

250th and 251st email

From: Stacey Marchenkova  
To: dom borax

Sent: Tuesday October 6th , 1999 10:11AM
Subject:  RE RE RE Change of topic
Dom, you win…you’ll always win…you are winner…they lose…they will lose you…and that’s the world’s biggest loss…
I love you…so much…
I hold you in my arms….
I say there-there…
I mop your forehead…
I lift your arm in victory, champ…


From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax

Sent: Tuesday October 6th , 1999 11:01AM
Subject:  RE RE RE RE Change of topic
And again I am so sorry about the Tintin comment… I can't seem to get anything right at the moment…I’m  saying sorry so often lately…I hope it isn’t losing it’s power…or meaning..or whatever…anyway…I know it’s fucktard Marcus that likes Tintin...I know that…but I like Tintin too…but whatever…I screwed it…truthfully…and there is no excuse…excuse…except…how about I go into Marcus’s house and destroy everything Tintin related?  Or how about I offer a list of things for me to do to encourage your sympathy…I mean you always do that…you always list… and it works for you… so
1: I sell all my things for a one way ticket to LA to see you.
Okay…that’s all I’ve got…never very good at lists… what do you think?

Love
Stacey

Sunday, September 25, 2011

248th and 249th email

From: Dom Borax 
To: Stacey Marchenkova

Sent: Sunday October 4th, 1999 07:37AM
Subject:  RE change of topic
Come on Stacey, it’s Marcus that likes Tintin. Not me.
I’ll write more later.

Love
Dom.


From: Dom Borax 
To: Stacey Marchenkova

Sent: Sunday October 4th, 1999 18:11PM
Subject:  RE RE change of topic
Hi Stacey, I don’t think I’m dealing with this town at all. Probably best if I tell you about last night as an example of my state of mind.
I was recommended to go to a little bar somewhere in Hollywood. It’s called the Coronet. It’s kinda cute; next to a small theatre with the same name.
Indeed it’s all quite bunched up like a mews –
You know, small bar plasticine-squished into the theatre with the smallest portcullis separating them because booze and the art never mix, right Dionysus.
There is also a hint of Anglophile about this small block of drunken arts. A Chester-like Elizabethan black and white crossed thatch design is an obvious influence as is a fake chimney and the plethora or English beers (by plethora I mean two) on tap.
Oh and you can smoke in there too.
Now this in itself is kinda odd, you can't smoke anywhere in LA and even in the Coronet there are a multitude of signs all over the bar proclaiming the circle of hell reserved for you if you light up.
But these signs are just that. Not a Bobby with a truncheon or a Cop with a gun; just a sign.
Now as you know, I can light up after a few. It’s a habit I loathe and love. So with the hint of rebellion I asked the Barman if this bar is is truly English it would allow me to smoke in it too. He looked at me and shook his head.

BARMAN: It’s illegal to smoke in public establishments, Sir.

I nodded. I was pushing my luck.
But shortly after, I became truly confused; he lit a cigarette.

BARMAN: And everyone obeys the rules here.

He said as he blew out smoke and gestured to the room.
I followed his gesture and to my confusion, I saw half the room had lit up.
And then I realised.
My God, I’d stumbled into a smoking speakeasy.
Soon I joined them and for the first time since I’d touched down in this city, I felt that I had a place; that perhaps sitting on this bar, drinking Harps and smoking was as comfortable as it got.
But of course for a true betrayal to work this is exactly what needs to happen.  I need to be made to feel accepted for the betrayal to truly have its sting.
And this is most embodied with the two people that entered in the bar shortly after.
She was blonde. Her name was Mandy. She wore a lot of make up. She limped like liquid. Her eyes were small.
He was blonde too. His name was Tony. He was buffed. His eyes were well rehearsed in sympathy. He nails were clipped. His pants were tight.
It was hard not to notice them.
They illuminated the room with the pearly white capped brightenings and their bleached hair.
They shuffled over to the bar and sat. They knew the barman and talked freely about the night and the locals. This included Matt a fellow drunken Australian who boasted about having sex in the Great Barrier Reef while insisting the bar played his mix tape of Aussie classics.
I all this time was keeping quietly to myself.
I admit to finding it hard to fit in. My experience with LA men has always resulted in supreme disappointment.
In the beginning they’re very welcoming and polite. But after a drink and in single sex company their laboring observations of the opposite sex are shrouded in violent allusions. It’s not about fun or irony it’s about taking. It’s about competition – it’s about winning.

THEM (and by them I mean MEN): That’s America dude. Gotta win. Even in the bedroom or the back of the car or on this bar. You gotta win.

For me, I can’t rationalize this, Stace. I really can’t. I can’t be in this company.
And the LA Women are kinda of the same. Like the men they have this public persona but once this too is stripped a true beast is revealed, a Fame Monster who isn't interested in you at all.
And they want to win too - they’ll do anything to get it.
And once they get together; this LA man and LA woman, the battle is on. Both want to win. And here’s the thing, they both do. Because they’re playing different games.
So when Mandy and Tony entered the bar I immediately went on the defensive. They were so familiar. They were the epitome of the Los Angeles social experience.
But soon I was proved wrong. They both sat at the bar on either side of me. She spoke first.

MANDY: I hate Hollywood, don’t you?
TONY: Yeah, the women are cute and I’d do it but it would be a never ending sense of agony.

Man was this real? Could I believe what I was hearing?
Surely not.
But it did seem that here were two locals who not only understood their neighbours (neighbors) actions but also disagreed with them0

ME: That’s really refreshing to hear. Can I buy you a beer?

They nodded and soon we were chatting.
They seemed genuinely interested in me. They asked questions about Australia.
And I talked about you.
They liked the sound of you. I talked more about you.
They got moved.
And I thought; had I finally and deeply made contact? Did I have friends?
After another drink the conversation finally turned to dreams and ambitions. Not surprisingly both wanted to work in the industry. Why else be in Hollywood, they supposed.
I agreed. I wanted to work more solidly in the industry too.

TONY: More solidly. What do you mean more solidly?

He asked.

ME: I’m just a PA at Fox. But I want to be a writer.

And that’s when it fell to shit.
Upon hearing that I was just a PA, Tony turned to the Barman.

TONY: I thought you said he was a big time Director.

The Barman scrutinized me.

BARMAN: Not him. The other Australian - the one singing along to the mix tape of Australian rock - the drunken one. He’s the director. This guy’s a nobody.

And with that Tony and Amanda moved from their seat and shuffled down the bar toward the ‘other australian’ without saying goodbye to me.
So there I was left alone. Shell-shocked at their behaviour. I caught the barman’s attention.

ME: What the fuck?

I said.

BARMAN: What the fuck, what? 
ME: Them. What’s going on? 
BARMAN: They’re just making friends. 
ME: No they’re hustling. 
BARMAN: Never. 
ME: Come on. They only talked to me because they thought I was someone important. 
BARMAN: Surely not. 
ME: I mean is this what this town comes down to? People will only talk to you if they think they can get something from you?
BARMAN: I’m talking to you aren't I?
ME: Yeah but this is a bar. You're a barman. I buy drinks from you. It suits your purpose.
BARMAN: No-no-no – not at all. To prove it – this one’s on me.

He said as he pulled another drink.

ME: Thanks. 
BARMAN: My pleasure. 
ME: I’m just a little overwhelmed. I’m not about this, you know. For me it’s about socialising, right - It’s about talking, it’s about connecting, it’s about people, it’s about community, the back yard bonfire, you and me and them – us. It’s about us. You know?

The Barman thought about what I said for a beat. It sunk in, I could tell.

BARMAN: And that’s Hollywood, dude. That’s Hollywood. Truthfully.

He said as he finally turned away from me and moved to stand under the no smoking sign and lit another cigarette.

Love Dom

Sunday, September 11, 2011

243rd email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Monday September 28st, 1999 9:36AM
Subject: RE I am so Sorry


Hey Stacey, I think it’s me that needs to apologise. I was off the radar for a week and didn’t let you know. I am so sorry for that. It was selfish of me. Of course it would send you into a tizzy (sp?). It would send me into a tizzy (sp?).

For what it’s worth let me explain:

See this city is intense. This job is intense. My boss is intense.

Indeed she’s crazy and not in an interesting way. She flips out one day, crying and yelling and is nice as pie the next.

I’ve even been collecting some of the things she says and writing them down in a little book.

You never know, I might use them one day in that great novel I will never write.

So as a sneak preview, here are a couple of overheard gems from my cubicle next to the toilets, under the air con, at the back of the Fox Television demountable offices.



“I am smarter than you and don’t forget it.”



“I don’t do that emotion.”



“I think I know most of the words in the English Language.”



“Hold me. I need some comfort”




And these are just a few.

Her name is Pamela by the way and she’s addicted to exercise and personal growth.


ME (Wryly to Himself): Two very generous and caring and empathetic ideas. Hey?

But her addiction is only strong if others are addicted too. So she pushes them down our throats; urging – NAY – insisting that we all exercise and read Louise Hay.

Indeed the Louise Hay kick is so strong that we can’t leave the office until we offer up our daily affirmation.

“When I wake up tomorrow, I will be better person than I was today. I will have more money on my pocket, less fat in my blood and I will stop using the word nay.”
She makes us work stupid hours 7:00am to 8:00pm and expects us also to be on call for Breakfast meetings prior to 7:00 if needed.

She is a passionate teetotaler, who thinks those that imbibe at lunch have a problem. And all Australians are alcoholics.

She also monitors all emails – fearing we might be talking about her behind her back.

Which we do.

When we get drunk at Lunchtimes.

So with all this it has been tricky. Not to mention the Mormon Kids show is in a ditch at the moment and Pauly Shore complained to Pamela about me.

Not sure where this is all going. I’ve got to be out of the hotel by the end of the week and there’s no apartment on the horizon.

I’ve talked to Dad about flushing me another week’s tariff for the hotel. But I haven’t heard back. So if you speak to him could you give a nudge?

So again, my darling – I am so sorry for silence. But I am determined to break the rules and send you emails whenever I can. Actually it makes it quite exciting.

Screw Pamela. No controlling moron is going to get in the way of my love letters.



Love ya



Dom

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

241st and 242nd email

From: Stacey Marchenkova   
To: dom borax 
< mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Saturday September 26th, 1999 22:21PM
Subject:  Busy Man
Hey are you out screwing some LA chick…? Huh? It’s been days…and you’re dancing with some wannabe actress...I reckon…email me back…I feel you’re not interested…I feel you’ve got your Hand down her top and speaking all Australian…being exotic…stop being all landscape gardenery…in a musky singlet and a rake and concrete and brick dust hair and practical manliness…breathing your randy breath all over her face…stop it…stop it now…email me…ring me…don’t be with her…be with me…just me…don’t even flirt…don’t even talk to them…they're all after fame and will do anything for it…they’re all slags…bleach blonde…eye makeup…big toothed and smashed lipped slags…but they won’t love you…they can’t love you…they’re not capable of seeing beyond themselves…because that’s love…being able to selflessly see the other person…to be able to forget about yourself…stop existing…be all for the other…
And I fucking love you…

Stacey Anna Marchenkova

From: Stacey Marchenkova   
To: dom borax 
< mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Sunday September 27th, 1999 10:21AM
Subject:  I am so Sorry
Oh my fucking god…I just saw the last email…I am so ashamed…I don’t know what to say…I’m only glad you haven’t responded before I could send this crawling forgive me post script…I am sure it’s a little too late…but it’s all I can do now…so, so sorry…I don’t mean it…really I don't..well not it’s tone…anyway…I mean, I am a little jealous…and I do want you to email me…and I do want to be yours and you to be mine…only mine…only yours…if you know what I mean…I think I’m just feeling insecure at the moment and after a few drinks again…it all got to much and I let it spill out…and it’s not me…I know I can be emotional but I’m not cruel…I don’t think I’m cruel…I’m not cruel am I?
Hope you’ve found a good place to eat that makes you happy…?

Love
Stacey

Sunday, August 14, 2011

233rd email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Monday September 14th, 1999 18:01PM
Subject: Wide awake

Dear Stacey,

I tried so hard not to fall asleep but with the combination of queen size bed and American afternoon TV I dozed in a couple of seconds.

Anyway I’m awake now and using the Hotel Computer to send you this email.

It’s odd to be here, I have to say. It all feels really familiar; like Australia except it’s a little dirtier, a little more bruised, a little disconnected.

I’ve already had my fair share of coffee and tried cherry cola. Not my thing. Also the toilet water is very weird. It’s so high that I’m worried I could accidently get too comfortable and drown.

I haven’t seen too much of the city yet. I came straight from the airport to the hotel. It’s the Holiday Inn on the corner of Pico and Beverley if you want to send me a jar of vegemite or yourself wrapped in bubble and stored in an overnight bag.

(See I must still be tired to write the above – sorry)

The hotel feels perfect for Hollywood too. The facade is strong. It has rooms, a foyer, people on the desk, lifts (or elevators) room keys and do not disturb cards. But there is something missing.

Heart maybe?

And to be honest, I’m waiting for someone to yell cut and the hotel to stop acting and revert back to what it really is; just a guy --

-- and not a very interesting guy at that!

So maybe it's not just the heart that’s missing but a good agent too.

Not that much more to tell except I miss you, darling. Lying on the bed was the worst. I thought about taking a pillow, putting glasses, a black wig and lipstick on it. But that’s just weird isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Seriously, I do miss you dearly - your email was truly touching – so much so I didn’t care that I might have dispelled the American view of us as unabashed outdoor cooking vulgarian thugs with my unabashed indoor spilling sobs in the internet cafe as I poured over your verse.



Love

Dom

PS The only solace I can take in this cruel match is that now this day is over - there is now one less day ‘till I see you again.

PPS I did do a massive clean up of the hotel room btw - if you were wondering.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

232nd email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Monday September 14th, 1999 4:11AM
Subject: Landed and safe

Dear Stacey, I have just arrived after what was the longest flight. Okay might be being dramatic here. I know there are longer flights.

Perhaps safe to say – my longest flight.

Which is also untrue, as I went to Europe with the family a few years back.

Perhaps safe to say – a pretty long flight. Not the longest and not my longest but longish.

Okay.

Anyway and regardless, it is weird to be here in Los Angeles.

For some reason I though the airport would be the gateway to dreams. I thought it would be modern or classic Hollywood. But it’s actually functionary and bland. Brisbane airport is more exciting. Really. Okay the Control Tower and the large LAX sign is thrilling to see but the rest feels in desperate need of a make over or at least a Hollywood rewrite.

I have to admit the first thing I did upon touch down, was search out a StarBucks. I’d never had a coffee from Starbucks and I was little excited about sampling this hellish brew. And it was alright, I have to say; an espresso monopoly on a filter culture. It helped with Jetlag anyway.

Then I found a public computer and decided to email you.

So here I sit; with my half drained Starbucks, my bags and a desperate disappointment of the airport architecture.

But I’m not taking this as a sign. This is how it should be; an alphabet of new experiences hidden in the sealed enveloped of cheap packet envelope.

(Man, I must be tired, that’s a really lame sentence – sorry – call myself a writer; huh!?)

Anyway, just wanted to email and let you know I am safe. I still have an Australian accent. I’ve already read the Little Prince (Thank you for that – one of your items from the house, right – though I have to say reading a book about a guy who’s plane crashes in the desert while on a plane is not an experience I need to replicate)

Once I’ve checked into the hotel, I’ll email again. I’m sure there is more to tell.

Miss you

Dom

Sunday, August 7, 2011

231st email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Sunday September 13th, 1999 10:09AM
Subject: Not Goodbye, but see you soon, remember!

Well mister man...I’ve just got home from the airport and staring out of the window as I write...I think I know what your flight path is and I’m staring at the corridor of the sky you’ll be flying through soon...

I make this up to be true...but it does make me feel better...

...’There he is.’ I yell at any passing plane...

Actually it’s funny to write to you again...we kinda got out of the loop there for a bit...I guess we saw so much of each other there was no time to write...and don’t get me wrong If I had my choice...i’d want Dom in person...not Dom in email...but I’m clutching at small positives here...and one small positive is we will be writing once more...

Thought I’d update you on the drive home from the airport too...just so you know how royally you’re loved...see your father cried so much your mother had to drive...how’s that for starters...

...And Oftenbark didn’t take his head of my knee for the whole trip...

...And I felt completely displaced...but I’m not going to linger on it...I’m going to dance and sing your success...la-la-la-L.A

I even suggested that we sing in the car to take our minds off your absence...

To my surprise, your mother suggested we sing Lou Reed’s Perfect Day.

It’s such a perfect day

I’m glad I spent it with you

Oh such a perfect day

You just keep me hanging on. You just keep me hanging on

We didn’t get past this verse as your father started crying again and your mother had to pull over somewhere near Hamilton to give him a supportive hug...and they hugged for the longest time...

I have to admit,,,it was odd seeing parents be affectionate to each other...Id never seen it myself...indeed I have to confess for a moment I thought it was forced; like some kind of play...or a hidden camera show that adores capturing how the detached respond to genuine affection…

(Note to self: Stress to Dom that this could be a really good TV idea...perhaps it could a pitch...and perhaps he will notice I’ve deliberately used Dom’s ‘note to self’ ramble as a sign of respect)

Anyway after what seemed like years...your mother slowly pulled away from your father...she stroked his face and offered a bottle of chilled water...”You’ll be dehydrated’ she said...

This made me smile...I then asked if I could take Oftenbark out for a small stroll...perhaps we could all get coffee even...by the water...

You parents liked that idea and they parked the car and we ventured into the old money suburb...

Soon we found a coffee and were talking...talking about you...it seemed the right thing to do...everyone shared a favourite memory:

Your Mum talked about the time she used to take you to morning coffee-times with the other mothers when you were about six...she said that while all the other boys where breaking things, fighting each other and trying to be the loudest...you sat quietly with the mothers drinking a kid friendly version of coffee...she said this one time you even entered the conversation...it was about bullying and how it was increasing in the schools...she said you told a story about a boy in class who was taking great pleasure in making others life a misery...she said that he never picked on you...but it was painful to watch...so painful that you approached the bully one lunchtime and gave him a book...it was Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson...your favourite book at the time...it even had your name and address written on the inside...anyway the bully looked at you as you held the book out...he was confused...but after a beat, he took it...genuinely uncertain by this act of kindness...

Later that day as you were leaving the school you passed one of the many rubbish bins near the edge of the oval...in it you saw the copy of the book; Treasure Island...the cover had been vandalised and the title now read Ass Land...you picked the book out of the bin and opened it...inside your name and address had been scribbled out the Bully’s placed inside and for a split second you assumed...as many would... that the Bully had done it himself...but moments later you heard some other boys running from the port racks...they were being chased by the bully...he was demanding to know where it was...where his book was...the other boys were laughing and refusing to tell him...and soon they were gone...leaving the bully alone...he then spotted you...by the bin...holding his book...he stormed over demanding to know what you’d done to his book...you shrugged...you’d done nothing...you then handed the book back to the Bully...he looked at you...looked at the book...looked at the cover...looked back at you...and punched you hard in the stomach...winded, you dropped to the ground and he stormed away with Ass Land under his arm...

But, your mother stressed...as you told this story at this coffee time to the other mothers...you didn’t offer any judgment...you didn’t state any anger...indeed you had empathy...if anything you felt for the bully...he was the hero of your story...the other mothers however were outraged...crying claims of injustice...but you...only six...and having finished your story...went back to sipping your drink and listening...with a wisdom that was a little frightening for one so young...

Your father then told a story as we looked out to the Brisbane River...it was shorter...a moment even...a sentence about a family trip to London...and a hunt for Wombles in Wimbledon Common... he didn’t go into much detail... as he wasn’t capable of telling a lengthy anecdote without breaking into tears...your mother’s story hadn’t helped in the meantime causing him to breath in shallow gulps and wipe his wet eyes until they glistened red and puffy...so all we got was this delightful image of a father and son...trekking across the windy mounds of the grassy Common looking for fictional children’s television characters that for that one afternoon actually existed...

Then both your parents turned to me...they wondered what story I had to tell about you...something they didn’t know...something that defined you to me...

I thought for a bit...took a breath and finally told the story of our email affair...how you emailed me after that fuckwit Crisps’ birthday...how you persisted...how you seduced me...how your words made me fall in love...how it’s being going on for months...and how in one simple sentence you won me over for life...

And please – don’t feel any pressure about turning up tonight. What if I don’t turn up either? That’d make it easier, wouldn’t it?

And how this sentence is now pinned to my wall...just below my bed...so only I can see it...and how in a moment when I press this send button...I will go and look at again and again and again...

Love

Stacey

Sunday, July 24, 2011

227th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Saturday August 22nd, 1999 1:15 AM
Subject: RE RE I can’t sleep

Dom...in case you’re worried...we’ve made the right decision...really...it’s the right decision...even Oftenbark thinks so...and he’ll love hanging with your folks for six months...I’ll visit him...hey, I might get some of your folk’s cooking thrown in too...I mean... come on, buster...they should have their own TV show...

And time will go so quickly...truly...you’ll be back before you know...with an amercan accent and a damn fine listing on you resume...



Fox Studios – Los Angeles - Writer - 1999



Doesn’t that look good?

Love ya

Stacey

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

226th email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday August 21st, 1999 10:11 AM
Subject: RE I can’t sleep

Hi stace, I’ve just read your email and just before I wake you, I thought I’d reply. I think perhaps I’m doing this as a rehearsal for our conversation. Or maybe it’s because it feels familiar. Or maybe it’s just polite.

Anyway, I’m all confused. I couldn’t believe the offer, the ticket, the hotel, the job – everything.

But I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you. I mean surely when we die and we look back, it’s those we loved that visit us.

And I love you. I visit you. You’re a perfect holiday.



Dom

PS Okay here’s a thought - maybe you could come with me? I know not right away but if you saved and I saved you could join me in a couple of months. What do you think? Anyway I’ll put it to you when you wake up.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

225th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Friday August 21st, 1999 2:24 AM
Subject: I can’t sleep

Dom...it’s late...you’re asleep and and I need to talk to you...but I don’t want to wake you..so this seems easier...or kinder...or maybe more sympathetic...not sure... anyway...tonight was lovely...your mum is just as charming as your dad...you are so lucky to have lovely parents...and they both cook...that’s so wonderful...seeing them together by the stove...both in aprons...his and hers...very funny...and they stir and chop and fold and taste...it’s adorable...and enviable..

Yes, I am so jealous...

And they’re so supportive...that must be amazing..,

I mean that...I truly mean that...I mean you know how it rolls with my folks...

Anyway, I don’t want to be one of those crying girls...just wanting to give context of why I need to talk to you...what I’ve been thinking about...

See your parents are supportive...they set the standard, you know...and I need to be supportive too...

Therefore I agree with them...you have to go to Los Angeles...

See this is your time...this is your chance...the world deserves you...they’ll love you...I know...I know they’ll hold parades for you and embrace you (but not too tightly, as I’ll be watching)

It’s so exciting, Dom...you’ve wanted this...LA...Fox...writing it up...I know it’s small PA pickings but it’ll happen...you’re too good...guys like you never slip through...guys like you always use their skills for good...guys like you can and do make a difference...

I will miss you of course...but it is an amazing opportunity...and I can visit or you’ll be back for Christmas and we can always write...we’re good at that...

Anyway...that’s it...getting sleepy now...and a little teary...I’m going to snuggle up to you...and enjoy this time...this pefect time...

Wake me when you read this... we’ll probably need to talk it through...

I love you so much



Stacey

PS and Proud as punch.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

221st email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday August 18th, 1999 17:25 PM
Subject: RE RE My new home

Hi Stacey, just got home from a couple of quiet drinks with Dad at the Johnsonian club.

It’s a strange establishment named after Samuel Johnson, the guy that compiled the dictionary.

Anyway this place is small – on the third storey of an unassuming building near the top end of town – near Guide Dogs for the Blind would you believe.

I’ll have to take you there.

You’ll love it, I think.

It has a small smell of pomposity, but the food is good and it has a bar. It also has pictures of Samuel Johnson all the over the walls with some framed pages of early copies of his book.

It’s also the haven for grammar Nazis and wordophiles (I’m sure there’s a real word for wordohiles but I’m going to be stubborn and anarchiac as an act of defiance against the grey dusted members of said club.)

Actually I’m painting a Public school-like boys club with pre warmed toilet seats and ready made school tie auto- asphyxiation cubicles.

It’s not like that at all. Well not quite.

It’s actually a Smokey tragic rumpus room with a second hand full size snooker table with worn green felt in the middle.

This table is the main attraction for my father. Well this and his delight in mingling well above his genetic class.

One of the things I do love about the club is I can cause a modicum of chaos with scuffed and holed Dunlop Vollies as I linger near the bar.

See, I do adore standing next to an affected pup who’s neatly shined, pleated and pressed; a lawyer in waiting already plotting an early stroke to get away from his wife who’s cream-like turned past her expiry date (or so he thinks).

While waiting, I consciously look down at his shoes, then mine. “Tassels instead of laces” I will ask provocatively before giving a small smile to ‘Leonard’ the man behind the bar; the man I generally speak to especially during Toastmasters.

Anyway, here I was at the club playing snooker with Dad. He’s mean with the cue, always has been.

I did not inherit his natural ability with all things pub-sport. He has and will always beat me. And to be honest I like it that way. It makes the world seem normal, familiar and right.

So there we were, father and son. He’s fifty points ahead, aiming for the pink. I’m waiting contemplating some sort of distractive tactic (soft squeal, gentle stumble, tell him I’m gay). He takes his shot. Holes it, and then looks at me.

Dad: So Stacey seems really nice.

He says. I’m delighted he’s brought your name up.

Dad: She really likes you.

He continues.

Dad: And you like her?

He asks.

I nod as I raise his points on the metal board six more places.

Dad: I think your mum will really like her.

He says as he wanders back to the snooker table and aims at a red ball hovering near the back left hand pocket.

I smile as I watch him take his shot. He holes it of course. He always does. He never misses.

See you Thursday


Love

Dom

PS Also met a guy at the club who’s just come back from Los Angeles; working as a PA. He’s the son of one of Dad’s

Sunday, February 6, 2011

131st email

From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Sunday July 15th, 1999 11:31 AM
Subject: RE Had an adventure

Stacey, oh man, you have had an adventure. My story about Keith seems so lame in comparison.

Are you okay? Do you want to meet up? Do you need some friendly faces? Do you want to come over for dinner?

Oftenbark is worried.


Dom.


PS Yes I would love to live in New York or Iceland. There’s just something really interesting about Iceland.

Maybe even LA.

Actually to tell the truth I’d really like to live in LA – live the dream, write like Faulkner in a writer’s villa in a deco studio. Then retire, a rich man to a house by a lake, knowing that my stories made a few people happy.

That would be nice, don’t you think?

You could even come if you want.


PPS I’m going to give you a ring to see if you’re okay.


PPPS Ignore pointless post script above.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

111th email - 125th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Monday July 9th July 1999, 17:46 PM
Subject: RE Pancake thank you

I hate that Russell guy…let’s kill him…




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Tuesday July 10th, 1999 10:06 AM
Subject: Ways to kill Russell

Yes. Let’s kill him. Any suggestions?




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Wednesday July 11th July 1999, 18:26 PM
Subject: RE Ways to Kill Russell

We could spike a small glass with of whiskey with bleach…encourage him to do his Aunt Maxine shtick…and when he’s finished…offer the lethal glass for him to put his false teeth into…so the next time he acts like a knob he poisons himself with his own performance…

You got a better idea?




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Wednesday July 11th, 1999 20:20PM
Subject: RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Or how about we advertise an audition for a new low budget privately financed film about the perils of hypnotic regression and just invite Russell.

When he turns up, you pretend to be the director and we’ll get someone like Marcus to pretend to be the Psychological adviser.

Russell, ever eager to please will do whatever you want.

So we’ll pretend to put him under and take him back to his childhood, encouraging a recall of his hardest memory.

We will then get him to recount it in GREAT DETAIL, filming the whole thing.

There will be tears. He will be truthful.

Once finished we make many copies of and send them out to everyone that he knows with a comedy soundtrack.

Russell will be humiliated and will lose control.

This is where we step in again and run him over with a car.

And I will never stop hating him.




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Thursday July 12th July 1999, 13: 26 PM
Subject: RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

You could just cut his penis off…




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Thursday July 12th, 1999 17:29PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Put bottle of gin into an enema and insert accordingly.




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Thursday July 12th July 1999, 23:47 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Make him drink petrol…




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday July 13th, 1999 6:11AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Something to do with Spiders. I don’t like spiders.




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Friday July 13th July 1999, 10:21 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Dare him to do a Parachute jump and when he’s not looking take out the silk and put an anvil in his pack instead (I think I’ve seen too many Loony tunes cartoons…)




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday July 13th, 1999 11:59 AM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Cut off his eyelids, put him on his back so he’s staring at the sun and tie him down in the desert during the longest summer’s day of the year.




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Friday July 13th July 1999, 14:41 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Mugged by clouds ‘cause that would be funny…




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Friday July 13th July 1999, 14:43PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Sorry meant to say ‘clowns’… not clouds…




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday July 13th, 1999 16:36 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Make him eat his own cooking.




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: Dom Borax
Sent: Friday July 13th July 1999, 17:41PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Cut off all his fingers and all his toes…stitch his fingers to his feet and his toes to his hands and then hang him off the story bridge and take bets on how long he lasts…




From: Dom Borax
To: Stacey Marchenkova
Sent: Friday July 13th, 1999 18:01 PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE RE Ways to Kill Russell

Ignore him, avoid him and forget him. He’d never get over it.

Or I could be successful. That would shit him. I could get a gig in Los Angeles as a writer and pen thinly disguised stories about him.

I like that. Yes, I like that a lot.


D

PS Hey did you know that it’s Friday the 13th. What you guys up too? Want to come over and watch some cheesy 80s slasher films?
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