273rd and 274th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Friday October 31st , 1999 7:43PM
Subject: RE RE RE A thought

Okay…gotta tell you about the role play at centrelink today…it seemed like the focus was on smiling…you have to smile, said the Pussy Cat Teacher…So when it came to my turn…I walked into the stage (and when I say stage I mean front of the airless, characterless box at the back of the Centrelink offices in Fortitude Valley) just thinking the word ‘smile’ over and over again as the Pussy Cat teacher set the scene.

“You are going for a job in an office as PA, alright Stacey? I am the job interviewer and you are the applicant. Don’t forget to smile.”

I blinked at the scenario…a PA…just like my boyfriend, I thought…this should be easy…just think of Dom...this will certainly make you smile…

“And scene…” She said.

I took a breath and entered this new world of theatre…

“Good Morning…” I said as I approached the Pussy Cat Teacher, holding out my hand.

“Good morning…”She replied taking it.

“My name is Stacey Marchenkova…here is my resume..”

“Thank you, Stacey”

She took the resume and in a few minutes she had gathered all she needed to know.

“So you don’t have that much experience as a Personal Assistant, Stacey.”

“No, I don’t but I am very personal and very good at being an assistant…” I said taking a risk, trying to be a little human…

“Pause scene” she said.

“Now Stacey, that’s good but try and not be a smart arse.”

“I wasn’t being a smart arse..” I replied… I was making light of my lack of…

“And restart scene...” She said, not interested in my justification…

“So again, I ask Stacey – you don’t have much experience in the field…”

I took a breath…I needed another tactic…

“I know…it’s true and I’m willing to learn…and I’m a very quick learner...

This made the Pussycat teacher smile…I was obviously pushing the right buttons…but as is always my case…once I still winning I immediately start failing…I push it too far…I simply trust my instincts…and with this I said…

“And my boyfriend was a PA too…”

The Pussycat teacher dropped her ears…where was I going with this…

“See, he’s in LA…well New York now…but when he was LA…he was a PA…and simply by talking to him…I have a sense of the what the job is and if I get into any trouble I can always ask him…”

The Pussycat Teacher was losing interest and she broke out of the scene for a split second to remind me to smile…

But I continued regardless…

“But I have to be honest I don’t think it went well for him…he found it difficult and demeaning…and who could blame him…it’s kinda like being a servant or slave…now this might be fine in the short term if the boss is kind, benevolent even…but if they’re unpleasant then the job is nightmare…so I guess if anything I have low expectations and some sense of how to navigate the relationship if it indeed (as I suspect) one that is horrendous…

The Pussycat Teacher blinked…opened her mouth…but I hadn’t finished…

“And I know you’re going to tell my to smile…but it’s hard to smile when he’s thousands of miles away and I don’t speak to him that often and he quit his job as a PA because it made him feel like shit…he told me he was fired…but I spoke to his folks and found out he quit…

….and I feel like shit...cause I miss him and in my darkest moments I don’t know if it’s going to work out…or if indeed it should as he’s on his own path and I don’t want him to stop and be unhappy with me…and I can’t fucking smile..not now…I don’t want this job…I don’t want to be here and I can’t smile…as there’s nothing to smile about…nothing at all…”

The Pussycat Teacher blinked and finally said…

“Well you don’t expect to get the job do you?”

And then and only then for the first time did I smile before I picked up my bag and left the room…

So there you have it…there’s my day…and now I’m home I’m trying all I can to remember what made my smile…just so I can feel happy once more…

I guess I’m having trouble with this…

Should I just let you be…?



Love Stacey




From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Friday October 31st , 1999 10:43PM
Subject: RE RE RE RE A thought

I love you…

246th and 247th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova  
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Saturday October 3^rd , 1999 13:11PM
Subject:  Change of topic

Can I change the topic please…I feel I keep laying little bombs by your feet…not right…even little ones…so trust me now when I say,,,step left, then right…then back… then run to the end of the mine field…I am waiting...and it is safe…

Miss you so much

Stacey

From: Stacey Marchenkova  
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Saturday October 3^rd , 1999 13:31PM
Subject:  Change of topic

Hey I saw Elsa today…it was really weird…as you know I’ve been getting up early more often…and not just to walk your dog…though this morning Oftenbark was with me…cute as ever...heeling and tail wagging…

Anyway…there we where walking through the Valley again…

Not sure why but I like walking Oftenbark through the valley…I think it’s cause I love the junkies stroking him…

junkies love dogs…

and he also protects me against the hippy craft folk in their cheap oil cubicles at the morning fair…but I confess as much as I hate them…I still look…I still pick up the odd crystal…I still try on the stupid felt hat…I still smell the leather and contemplate buying that TinTin T-Shirt for you…

But I don’t buy anything… trust me…the money stays in my pocket…which is needed…for without it I’d never be able to buy that coffee or cooked (wrote cocked for a second – watch it, mister) breakfast at the Cosmo Cafe…

And Dominique loves the Cosmo…

Do you remember her? She was at my birthday…the pretty gay one…you liked her…you said she was sexy in a gay way…and it wasn’t because you couldn’t have her…or that she had your name…you genuinely thought she was cute and lamented her choice…again, you stressed…not that you’d go there…and if anything you thought…she was going to make some chick very happy one day…

Anyway…there we were, Dominique, me and the dog…we were sharing a big breakfast because we’re girly girls…though Dominique always takes more than her fair share of bacon…lezzo thief…

And as we were eating, I saw Elsa out the corner of my eye…she was at the markets buying some honey, some tatty home made musical instrument and second hand CDs…I swear I saw she had a Genesis CD…

I nudged Dominique…

“See her…that’s Elsa…Dom’s ex.”

Dominique’s eyes narrowed as she took her second sausage…

“I know her.” She said.

“Yes, she dances…maybe you saw her on stage…”

“No, I know-know her.” She said.

It was my turn to narrow my eyes…I took the sausage off her and had a bite…

“You mean know-know?” I asked.

Dominique nodded…and admitted they’d had an affair a year ago when she was doing her design course at Queensland University of Technology.

“She posed for me and later we had dinner…it was nice…she’s a good kisser…”

“But didn’t you recognize her at my birthday dinner?”

“Of course.”Dominique replied, “But I wasn’t going to say anything then. She was with Dom. It was your birthday. It didn’t feel apt.”

“But later, come on! You could have told me later.”

“For what reason?”

“Good gossip.” I replied being a tad selfish.

“Look, Stace’ to be honest…I forgot…I was in love…remember…(not that that worked out)…and it slipped my mind…it’s only now that I remember…just one of those things, I guess…”

I nodded and turned to see Elsa one more time…she was alone and had made it to the plants…she was looking at a cactus…

Dominique at this point turned her look away and stole a piece of bacon from my plate…Oftenbark remained dozing at my feet…either too bored too look or too mean to say Hi…

I think it was the latter…

Miss you, honey…

Staceyxxx        

218th email

From: Stacey Marchenkova
To: dom borax < mailto:printthisplease@hotmail.com >
Sent: Monday August 5th, 1999 20:21PM
Subject: couldn’t help myself… answered anyway

I know that you won’t read this for a few days…but force of habit …it was so good to talk tonight…you seem to be taking it really well…I was a little worried… god, I miss you…

Anyway…forgot to mention in the call that Oftenbark and I had a good walk this evening… he’s good on the lead…though protective…anyway we were walking down Brunswick Street…passed that massive dodgy video store you love…too much porn’ right?

Well just past it was this new club that’s opened up near that Roxy stretch opposite the brothels... It’s called something like Zaggers or Ziggers or Zippers…began with an z…so there I was with your dog and this guy from the club was passing out free drink coupons…he insisted I take one…free drinks for the next half hour, he hollered…I motioned I had a dog…surely a dog isn’t allowed inside…he shook his head…and gave me a free drink coupon for Oftenbark too…

Hell, I thought…let’s do this…me and Ofentbark into a club…couple of free drinks…maybe a wee dance and home…

So we climbed the stairs…the walls where purple, the fittings new, the brass handrails shiney… the carpet still unsullied by late night purging…and the pulsing music getting louder and louder as we ascended this techno heaven…

I was a little concerned that Ofentbark might not like the bashing bass…but his tail wagged more with each riser…

We entered the club…It had an old skool feel to it…banks (banks might be an exaggeration – more like a trio) of lights swirled in time with the rhythm in the dark and empty space…

Yes it was empty…only me and Ofentbark…this guy behind the bar and this thin speed-freak DJ...Oftenbark and I sauntered over to the bar…I yelled…two free drinks! The bar-guy blinked; holding up one finger…I shook my head…held up two and passed the coupons over…he scrutinized them…and though I couldn’t hear, I’m sure Oftenbark picked up a sigh of annoyance…

“What do you want?” He eventually asked.

“Vodka for me. Water for the dog.” I replied.

He shrugged once more and handed over the drinks…

Shortly after Ofentbark and I found a high rise table with elevated stools near the dance floor…I patted one of the stools and Oftenbark managed to perch himself brilliantly…I pushed the glass of water forward him…he cocked his head…I sipped on my vodka…he got the idea and lapped at the chilled liquid that was sweating in front of his nose…

We sat there for about five minutes…some old music was playing…maybe Dead or Alive…something awful…Oftenbark quite liked it I think as he was tapping his back paws in time with the music…

…what the hell have you been musically conditioning him on…?

Anyway…it was driving my crazy…I slammed down the vodka in one go…told Oftenbark to stay and moved to the DJ…

…I don’t think he was aware there was actually folk in the club… for when I tapped his kingdom; he jumped like a prince and nearly scratched his records…

“Please play something else!” I asked.

He looked at me…his gesture saying ‘what’ while his eyes said ‘save me…’

“Underworld…do you have underworld…?”

He understood…immediately changed the music…breaking the cardinal rule of clubbing by introducing silence for a beat into this sad, sad place…

No one seemed to care…the bar-guy’s tense shoulders noticeably relaxed…

And then it came on:

“Drive boy, dog boy

Dirty Numb angel boy...”

Oftenbark perked up. I perked up. “I love this song!”

We picked our handbags up and placed them in the middle of the dance floor and proceeded to bliss out, dancing around them to the extended mix of this classic piece…

…it was magic, Dom…real magic…

The song came to the end…we’d worked up a sweat…I bought Oftenbark a water and we descended down the steps to the purgatory of Fortitiude Valley.

What a night…nearly perfect save for your absence…

Anyway I hope this story might cheer you up when you plug in your computer in your new home…welcome there too…

love

me and your dog.